
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, April 23, 1990                   TAG: 9004230213
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A7   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Sue Lindsey Editorial Writer
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

GETTING MESSAGE TO THE CHILDREN

A FRIEND'S son is, well, drifting. Most parents might say the same of their own teen-agers, but this adolescent has gone farther than most toward a dangerous shore. He's out of the mainstream, so to speak.

I heard the sad report from another friend, one who knows the boy better than I. My first response was to want to help - to tell this lad about the error of his ways. If I could talk to him, give him a few pointers on getting his life in order . . .

I would not be the first to pass along such instruction, and I probably won't be the last. He appears to listen, but the message doesn't get through. Many, many life rings have been tossed his way. He's grabbed a few, held on for a while, then let them go.

Another friend is frustrated because her post-adolescent daughter let her down when a very important favor was asked. She still feels responsible for the daughter and does a lot for her; why couldn't the young woman meet her simple request? The daughter has her life pretty well under control, but sometimes she also seems to listen without comprehension.

What's the answer? Dealing with children gets progressively trickier as they grow up. Must the teen-ager keep drifting, without adult guidance, or even input? Should the mother swallow her anger, and keep taking care of her adult daughter's needs?

I've never had any luck getting anyone to shape up. That's not to say I've never seen attitudes change. I've seen a number of people turn their lives around, but no one has done so on my advice. My "help" is well-intentioned, but if unsolicited it comes on too strong. Knowing what's "right" has often made me a self-righteous nag.

I also remember my adolescence well enough to recall the time when adults couldn't tell me anything, especially if they tried to. I made some mistakes then, too, and I'm familiar with the feeling of drifting. But no one could save me from myself.

The person most likely to reach the teen-ager who's at loose ends might be a peer. It certainly would be someone without a lot of advice to give up front. Words may just be getting in the way. An example of how to live with life's ups and downs may be the only way to reach this boy.

I think the long-term answer to parent-child relationships is friendship. My friends are people who don't tell me how to go about life, but they have found some answers. I'm free to follow them, or not.

From a mother's standpoint, should the response be any different if it's a daughter, rather than a friend, who lets her down? A friend who ignored a request and then turned around and expected a favor would obviously be out of line. Why does the issue get confused when a child does the same thing?

It seems to be easier for adults who are not their parents to befriend teen-agers and young adults, and perhaps that's inevitable. But as children seek to be treated as adults, their relationship with their parents will be strained without friendship. And friendship is a two-way street.

by CNB