Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, May 21, 1990 TAG: 9005210047
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: A-3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE:
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
If McCandless had stayed at home - in Hayward, Calif. - he would have set a land-speed record. Drivers embarking on 26-mile trips in and around Hayward usually pack their Winnebagos full of canned goods. The journey is rarely completed in fewer than six days on account of gridlock, earthquakes, freeway shootings and drive-up appendectomies clogging the right lane.
Tom Goff, a columnist at Hayward's newspaper, still thinks Hayward is a better place to live than Roanoke. Hayward is the country's 176th largest city. Roanoke is the 175th largest. Brownsville, Texas, is 174th. Forget Brownsville. Killer bees are due there any moment.
The census count that is now almost completed will determine a new order. If Hayward surpasses Roanoke in population, which is unlikely, our city should ask to be annexed into Eagle Rock. We don't deserve citydom.
Hayward, you see, is quite a few exits down the pike from Utopia, in spite of what Goff thinks.
Not long ago, I pointed out that Hayward has a phenomenally higher crime rate than Roanoke's.
Goff countered for his readers: Sure there's more crime in Hayward. The median household income is $40,000; in Roanoke, it's only $20,000.
Goff writes: "Why rob someone who has no money? Why steal a rusty Pinto?"
He's got us there. What with all these oodles of cash floating around in Hayward, you bet those folks are bettering mankind at every opportunity.
Why, a Hayward man was just recently charged with getting a bit too intimate with sheep. Money cannot buy sanity.
Nor can it buy sophistication.
Hayward is home of the International Roller Skating League Training Center, founded by Joanie Weston, herself a former roller derby queen.
Hayward is a sort of Tigris and Euphrates for roller derby - the cradle of civilization for a spectacle that is itself only partially civilized. Weston once skated for the Bay Bombers, a Hayward-area derby squad.
Goff, though, manages to chortle through it all. He has a mole, a disgruntled former Roanoker who has been feeding him Roanoke sore points - he's been describing in print the brilliant orange American Chemical building and certain good-looking transvestites who roam our streets after dark.
Rest assured, I will find the mole and she will pay dearly.
Right now, we've got to focus on Goff's wager.
He has offered to send me a crate of zucchini if Roanoke wins the census race. Hayward is home of an annual zucchini festival honoring the veggie that Agent Orange cannot kill.
Goff has proposed that I send him some Franklin County moonshine if Hayward wins.
Goff ought to go to jail for suggesting this. I don't plan to spend a night in the big house by accepting the challenge.
Instead, I will send Goff a dozen pickled pigs feet if Hayward wins the census race. We love our feet around here.
Bet you can't get good feet in Hayward.
by CNB