Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, May 26, 1990                   TAG: 9005260006
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IT NEVER FAILS, SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS FAIL

I could call this the Beagle Theory of Alternating Desire Curves and Their Effect on Certain Fiduciary Parameters Pertinent to Life on This Planet, but I don't think I will do that.

Instead, I will merely give an example.

For a number of years now, I have been using an electric-powered string trimmer.

Real men who owned gasoline trimmers with blade attachments capable of downing a good-sized oak tree or cutting off a foot often kidded me.

And I would smile and say:

"Yes, well, the several hundred feet of cord you have to fool with is a disadvantage, but this baby gets the job done.

"Besides, I don't have any trees or feet to cut right now, and this little jewel is so light it doesn't paralyze my arms for long periods of time.

"I knew this guy who couldn't raise his arms to drink a beer for two days after prolonged use of one of those brutes. Ha. Ha."

Sure. I said that. But secretly, I would have killed for a gasoline-powered trimmer. Unsnarling all that electrical cord and dragging it around was driving me nuts.

Recently, although this trimmer was whirring happily along, I bought a gasoline-powered machine.

It was wonderful.

For a couple of days I trimmed and trimmed and hummed and hummed.

The neighbors noticed. They said: "Would you listen to that? Old Bennie humming and happy after all these years. It's a miracle, that's what it is."

Forty-eight hours after I bought the trimmer, I was mowing the yard when the transmission in the self-propelled lawn mower began to go.

This machine weighs about as much as a World War II halftrack, and when the transmission starts to go you have to push a lot.

An hour or so of that kind of thing would make Arnold Schwarzenegger cry like a baby and cramp every muscle in his body.

I finished the yard, crying like a baby, and just as I cut the engine off, the handle assembly on the mower fell apart.

I hid what was left of the lawn mower under a bush and, with a real effort, stopped crying,took a shower and went to bed.

That night, I dreamed I bought a lawn mower that cost $5,678.99 at a Memorial Day sale.

Within seconds, the stove, the refrigerator, the freezer, the television set, the Mr. Coffee and both dogs all stopped working.