Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, May 29, 1990 TAG: 9005260173
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
It is time, they say, for them to buy a bathing suit.
This is one trouble I have been spared.
No, sir. I have what we might call the Immutable Bathing Suit - which refers to this pair of over-sized red trunks with white lambs on them. They were bought, I think, in 1960.
It is my understanding that this suit selection business is very painful and that a lot of women hyperventlate when they see themselves almost wearing the neat little suit that looked so good on the rack.
I read recently about this place that hires people to make bathing suit buyers feel good about themselves - no matter how bulgy the winter has left them.
This, of course, is a form of the practice of psychology and, as we all know, dealing with guilt is an important part of being a stable individual.
Let us take as an example Giselle, a woman who is not likely to be chosen for the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue.
Giselle has been looking at all of the color pictures of women who weigh about 90 pounds wearing mere whispers of cloth that are called bathing suits.
Giselle would not admit it, but these bathing suits are driving her crazy. She would not tell her age but she knows her father would have horsewhipped the manager of a store that sold her a bathing suit like that.
Truth told, even back then Giselle would have been kind of well, er, ah, um, chubby for such a suit.
Giselle goes shopping for a bathing suit and the salesperson immediately says, "Now, now, let's not get on a guilt trip just because we have gotten a little thicker through the middle over the winter."
"Thicker?" Giselle asks, immediately assuming the fetal position on the floor and the salesperson dials 911.
But, hold on there, ladies, and keep those chins up - if I may use that expression.
I also read an article that said those swimsuits that have those little skirts on the mare coming back and, as you may know, these garments covered up a lot of cellulite.
Boy. I remember those bathing suits. One of those 90-pound women would have gotten lost in one of them.
This article also went into a lot of stuff that we can't discuss here - like bosom padding and that kind of thing.
Despite any problems you may have, ladies, I hope you find a swimsuit and wear it in the best of health. Skirt and all.
And may you never assume the fetal position on the fitting room floor.
by CNB