Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, May 29, 1990 TAG: 9005290216
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SAM G. RILEY
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
How fortunate that we have finally found out we've been wasting our time teaching those who are "too young (or too unwilling) to absorb much," as Garland put it.
I don't know about other teachers, but as for me, from now on I'm going to teach only old people. If the rest will do the same, we can finally solve the problem of overcrowded classrooms, except in Florida.
Garland pointed out that education isn't all it's cracked up to be. The largest share of what we learn, he said, is learned from birth to kindergarten. Right on, Ray. Should I ever need open-heart surgery, I hope you can suggest which Roanoke nursery school is turning out the best cardiologists, surgeons, anesthesiologists and recovery-room nurses.
"The largest share of the totality of our knowledge and understanding would undoubtedly fall under the heading of that which is self-taught," he admonished us. Right. Next time I need a lawyer, I'm going right down to the Mother Goose Pre-school and find one. None of those law school-educated barristers for me, thank you very much.
Now, some people might think Garland must have tied his tie too tight the morning he wrote that column, but not me. No sir. Thanks to him, I now know that when I need help doing my taxes, I don't have to mess around with those expensive business school-educated CPAs. Better avoid nursery school and kindergarten on this one, though, and get a good, self-taught tax adviser who is in the first grade and hence has a good grasp of addition and subtraction.
What about our learning in the fine arts? If you hanker for music, why bother with Victoria Bond and her people? They've, well, studied. So much for them. Instead, let's get together for an exciting concert by the Viaduct Day-Care Center Rhythm Band.
Painting? Sculpture? Who needs art museums? I hear the finger painting is especially expressive this year at Big Lick Elementary. And Jesse Helms isn't even on their case. Yet.
Drama? Why bother with effete actors who've taken acting classes and studied their craft? Maybe you could catch a nice production of "The Old Shoemaker" over at Happy Hollow Pre-School.
Literature? Garland pointed out that a recent Gallup survey showed that 58 percent of college seniors could not identify Plato as the author of "The Republic." Safe to say, however, that a follow-up survey would show that 100 percent of them would be pretty darn sure Garland didn't write it.
The same survey revealed that 23 percent of college seniors thought Karl Marx's dictum "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need" was part of the U.S. Constitution. This must be truly galling to a former legislator, especially at a time when America is trying to give lessons in democracy to various Eastern European nations.
Maybe we should teach 'em the Porkbarrel Politician's Dictum: "from each according to our reach, to each according to his greed."
Science? Forget it. Garland said that "most of us forget 99 percent of what we are `taught,'" and that it's "hard to fathom the great fuss that people make over formal education."
Thanks to his insightful comments, we can now realize that the poor, bumbling simps working on the Hubble space telescope are nothing but university-taught frauds who have probably forgotten 99 percent of what they were "taught" about astronomy, physics, mathematics and engineering.
Some of the other poor, misguided educators who read the column might have considered it mere teacher-bashing, and close to the "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me" school of thought.
Not me. This old professor is much obliged for what the column taught me, but doggone, you know, I must have already forgotten 99 percent of what I learned from it.
by CNB