Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, June 25, 1990 TAG: 9006250034
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: A3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ed Shamy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Once upon a time there were two houses - one blue, the other green - side by side in Roanoke.
The blue homeowner did not own a pet. The green homeowner had a cat. Every night, the green cat strolled to the blue house garden and pooped.
Before long, there was a sizable, noxious pile of poop in the blue house garden. The blue homeowner discovered the pile in an incident too horrid to describe here, and saw the surgeon general's warning engraved on each sample: WARNING. THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT CAT POOP IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH, AND NOT REALLY GOOD FOR THE QUALITY OF LIFE IN ROANOKE, EITHER.
Blue homeowner called the city health department at 857-7600. The inspector visited blue home garden and confirmed the pile of feline foulness. No cat was in sight.
The inspector cited the blue homeowner for harboring manure, illegal in Roanoke.
MORAL: None to speak of. But under existing laws, this could happen.
BACKUP MORAL: Roanoke deals harshly with tattlers.
\ Once upon a time, Roanoke taxpayers paid $127,140 to widen 900 feet of Brandon Avenue and repave about 1/4-mile of the road.
The finished product was black as bituminous night, with nary a blemish and yellow stripes sharp as razors. It was a road as roads were meant to be.
But on Friday, just two weeks after the job was completed, a crew was out bright and early jackhammering in the center lane, opening up a hole big enough to bury a Datsun.
A natural gas line was leaking into a sewer pipe. Emergency. Roanoke Gas Co. attacked the problem with zeal.
MORAL: Spending money on roads does not guarantee airtight gas pipes.
BACKUP MORAL: Check your shocks. Special this week, computerized alignment, $19.95.
\ Once upon a time, Roanoke wished out loud for another airline to serve the city - Northwest Orient, perhaps. Meanwhile, existing USAir flights jetted over Catawba Mountain half-empty.
We offered lambs and sacrificed virgins to lure jets.
Finally, the wish came true.
Eastern Airlines, of all carriers, decided to fly in and out of Roanoke. Eastern, the bankrupt flier. The airline that unions love to hate. The once-proud fleet now decimated to a shadow of its former flying self. That Eastern.
Eastern announced $99 introductory flights to most points in the eastern third of the country; $129 for most flights to the West.
MORAL: Spare the virgin, or your wish may come true.
BACKUP MORAL: If your wish comes true, count your blessings. These are the cheapest fares to fly anywhere of consequence from Roanoke since the Eisenhower Administration.
\ Once upon a time, March 5 to be exact, Bo the Siamese cat rode on the engine of a car from Greensboro to Roanoke. Bo remains at large to this day. Gina Chapman, Bo's rightful owner, continues to get about a call per week from Roanokers who think they've spotted Bo.
MORAL: Call home, Bo.
by CNB