Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, June 30, 1990 TAG: 9006300016
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
It was for charity and the petticoat was one Turner had been wearing onstage in a Broadway production of "Cat on A Hot Tin Roof."
I am certainly not one to criticize anybody, but when things like the above happen, you have certain questions - including how this fits into the Meaning of Life.
I went to my old friend and counselor Felicity.
She was sitting in a wicker fanback chair on her porch; wearing what we used to call a "flowerdy dress."
"Yew jus' set raht down heah, sugah," she said, patting a spot on the porch glider. "Ah'd offah yew sum libayshun, but th' mint is no good this yeah. Seems nuthin' duz raht ennamoah."
I told Felicity about Kathleen's petticoat. She blushed a little and her fan quickened.
I asked her what it meant.
"Th' fact thet all uh this wuz foah charity has tuh be taken intuh consideration heah," she said, "but if Ah was thet scannel's wife, Ah would slap him raht upside th' head."
"But his wife was there and said she didn't mind," I said.
"Well, sunny, Ah dew buhlieve th' young lady hez not hed propah instruction in th' ways uv th' world," Felicity said.
"Mah daddy would hev taken uh hawsewhip tuh my late husband if thet pitahful creetsha hed brought sum uthah woman's undahgahment home."
"But, Felicity," I said, "fathers don't use hawse, I mean, horsewhips anymore."
"Th' moah's th' pity, if yew ask me," she said. "Ah wondah futher heah, hunny, 'bout thet woman puhradin' 'round th' stage in huh undahweah. Seems kinda trashy tuh me."
"It's a Tennessee Williams play and Elizabeth Taylor did the same thing in the movies," I said.
"Tennussee Williams," Felicity said. "Thet man hez done moah tuh stain th' reputayshions of Suthin wimmen then any othah puhson in history."
"He hez made us all out tuh be stoopid bimbos waitin' foah gentleman callahs or sex-crazed huzzies tryin' tuh rope in uh man," Feliciity said.
"Yew'll hev tuh pahdon me, sugah. Ah dew buhlieve Ah am takin' th' vapohs."
Felicity left the porch, banging the screen door behind her.
It was the first time Felicity had failed me, and I still don't know what the sale of Kathleen's petticoat has to do with the Meaning of Life.
And I wonder if maybe that guy's wife did slap him upside the head when they got home.
by CNB