Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, July 10, 1990                   TAG: 9007100064
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IN THE MARKET FOR SOME BONES?

It is called "The Anatomical Products Catalog," and they are not kidding about that.

It is put out by the Anatomical Chart Co. of Skokie, Ill., which is a company that tells you right up front that it is "the world's only source for real bone skeletons and skulls."

Let's turn to Pages 24-25 and jump right into this.

You want a human skeleton with a tripod stand and a zippered dustcover? That'll be $1,995.

The El Cheapos among you can pay 95 bucks for a "human skull, natural bone, inferior with few or no teeth, bone stained and damaged. Calvarium uncut and jaw not spring-held."

Well, really. Would you want something trashy like that in your office? Imagine putting up with a jaw that is not spring-held.

I know that many of you, along with me, don't have the slightest idea of what a calvarium is - although we all musthave one.

My job is sometimes a lonely one and I looked it up.

No, no, ladies. Don't stop here. I am not going to get lewd. You know that.

Your calvarium is the domed part of your skull.

Incidentally, before leaving Pages 24-25, let me say that this company will buy any old human bones you have - with the skin off them, of course.

I know most of us don't have any extra human remains around the house - and no fair counting your husbands, ladies - but I just thought I'd mention that.

I'd stop right here if we weren't having so much fun.

Here's a dandy gift idea for a person who has a loved one who isn't flossing and brushing as he or she ought to:

A model of the lower jaw that has diseased gums on one side and healthy gums and teeth on the other. The catalog says this beauty "clearly shows inflammation, calculus, bone loss, missing and loose teeth and peel-away gums."

Hey, Sadie. Is that worth $169.95 or what?

Continuing this roll we're on, let me mention "The Empathy Belly Pregnancy Simulator" for $595.

Stated briefly, if you want to know how it feels to be pregnant, you just fill this baby up with water and weights and strap it on your body - which can be male or female.

I don't think the catalogue said anything about morning sickness simulation.

I hate to tear myself away but you'll have to pardon me now.

The medical writer just came in, and I want to bust him right in the calvarium.