Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, February 9, 1991 TAG: 9102090028
SECTION: YOUR WEDDING PAGE: W-4 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By SARAH COX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
In the Roman Catholic Church, premarital counseling is required, but the approach is determined by the individual churches. Father Ken Stofft, pastor of Our Lady of Nazareth Catholic Church in Roanoke County, said his premarital counseling group is a weekend session led by couples, a psychologist and a priest. Communication, finances, human sexuality and the sacrament of marriage all are covered during the session.
What's the point?
"To assure that couples know one another and realize the seriousness [of marriage]," Stofft said. "I meet with the couple by myself the first time and get their biographical information."
He said they also take the PMI Profile, a questionnaire that covers major areas of interest such as roles in a marriage, family issues and children, religion and philosophy, finances and sexuality. Being faced with these issues is often hard, and they can lead to some hard questioning, maybe even postponement of marriage.
"I think that's healthy, thank God - it takes strength and foresight to say `we're not ready yet,' " Stofft said.
Traditionally, the Catholic Church required six months' posting of the bonds "to find out if the couple had been married before," Stofft said. Now, with communication having reached space-age speed, that's not necessary, although dispensation from the bishop of the diocese must be sought for interreligious or ecumenical marriages. In these cases, premarital counseling includes informing the Catholic partner of his or her responsibilities.
Bill Klein, pastor of Second Presbyterian Church in Roanoke, said his church has no set policy on premarital counseling. "It's left up to the individual church, and what is appropriate.
"It's hard for me to see how much remediation premarital counseling does; I don't think it's helpful. The resources the couple brings to a marriage are who they are, their background and so forth, and that's not going to change. When ministers use psychological testing that determines real conflict, couples aren't going to hear that.
"This is not the time when couples come to talk to you. They're being governed by their hormones. The time is after they've been married six months, when their brains are back in gear. Then they have some practical experience to work on and build on."
At this point, Klein brings up for discussion any areas of conflict that have developed in the new marriage - the things each has found to be good about the other and the things that can be used to build a relationship upon. And, "we talk more about personhood - who am I, what expectations do I have, how do I relate to someone who is different?"
Generally, problems don't arise because people are mean but because people learn to cope for survival, Klein said. "It's been my observation that when problems arise, what a couple is seeking is confirmation of anger and hurt, and not real desire to understand themselves. It's very destructive."
Not age, but maturity, is often the determining factor in a successful marriage, according to Klein.
"If a couple has realistic expectations and the kind of personal and communal resources that can hold them together, that's more than age."
He said examples of personal resources might be insight, being unselfish, knowing how to control anger.
Communal resources give foundational support for values. In the past, Klein said, the marriage ceremony was traditionally part of the morning service so that it was a community celebration. "That could happen in a parish setting, but that's all gone and will probably never be recaptured. In that kind of setting, life had been preparing them all along for a meaningful relationship."
And now, couples are faced with the '90s. One way to prepare themselves is to take a class, such as one offered through Virginia Tech. An introductory course in marriage and family relationships, said Professor Joyce Arditti, gives students an overview of issues that confront relationships in today's societies.
"We're more focused now on couplehood than marriage," she said, and added that there is a variety of couplehood. "The focus today is intimacy, and the issues of intimacy - conflict/resolution, communication, parenting and how it impacts on marriage, sex roles, gender and the workplace and expectations coming into the marriage." In addition, she takes into consideration a couple's family of origin, although "you're not a prisoner of your past," she said.
No one argues that divorces are up. No one argues that stress and conflict are major elements in marriages today. And no one argues that help is needed, and available.
Stofft said that during the '60s and '70s, people learned they didn't have to make a life commitment. "Our society is so transitory - we move from job to job and commitment to commitment. There is a movement within the Catholic Church - a cry for even more in-depth preparation. The exchange of vows is the paramount commitment they're making. Wedding preparations are secondary. They need to concentrate on committing themselves to one another and have a sense of humor about one another."
Arditti is also an advocate of premarital counseling because the couple can use it to clarify their expectations. "Most people go into a marriage with hidden or implicit expectations. This is a way to lay those unspoken thoughts out on a table."
She said a common problem is that the things we don't like about one another tend to crystalize after we're married, and we experience disillusionment. There are unresolvable conflicts; then it becomes a question of whether a couple can tolerate unresolved issues.
"I rarely buy [the statement], `Well, we got married and he changed,' " Arditti said.
Although premarital counseling is risky - "You're taking a risk that one can reject the other partner" - most couples approach postmarital therapy when it's really past the point of no return, she said.
The risk of premarital counseling is worth it, she said, because you're saving yourself. "Emotionally, it can be painful, but it's very logical. It could save a divorce in 10 years."
What about marriage has changed so much? According to Arditti, the rise in companionate marriages - marriages in which people expect love, companionship, intimacy. "Before, people expected less and were more practical."
And counseling can help equip couples with skills that facilitate communication, that help with resolution of conflicts, that encourage intimacy.
Leo Howard, director of the Pastoral Counseling Center at Second Presbyterian Church, said he tries to make the premarital counseling process uniquely suited to the couple, although most marital problems center around five areas:
The in-laws: "you're taking the experiences of two families, blending them and forming a new family. The first year is a tense year in which the families of origin are molded into a new family."
Sex
Money
Decision-making: who makes them, and the different styles of decision-making; how parents did it and how couples want to change it. Here, the fluidity of the male/female role creates confusion.
Religious life: this entails a discussion of denominational beliefs and personal values.
Howard, who feels couples can benefit from premarital counseling, said that, although the decision to get married has been made, the counselor can facilitate communication and help the couple gain perspective in the trouble spots.
He also feels, like Klein, that a postmarital review is advisable. "Coming back after being together can help, because they have enough data to formulate ideas."
Who attends premarital counseling? "The ones that need it the most don't come," Dr. Roland Byrd, Virginia Tech's campus minister, said. "They're too insecure that their relationship won't stand up under scrutiny." He offers, through the Baptist Student Center, an Engaged Couples Seminar each spring. This year it's being held March 9-10.
by CNB