SOME BACK TALK FROM CHILDREN ISN'T AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, January 27, 1992                   TAG: 9201260010
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: EXTRA 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: 
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium
SOME BACK TALK FROM CHILDREN ISN'T AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS
Parents treasure their children's verbal skills - until the children use those skills to talk back. "You can't make me!" and "Big deal!" figure largely in this combative lexicon.
Child psychologists and psychiatrists warn that parents are often too quick to interpret this behavior as disrespectful, when it may simply be a reflection of the child's normal development. In fact, a child who never talks back may be at higher risk for getting into serious trouble later on.
"Challenging what people say is a good thing, even though we don't always want our children to do it to us," said Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology at Temple University and the author of "You and Your Adolescent" (1991, Harper Perennial; $10.95) "The same skill is called `standing up for
yourself' when you're with your friends and `talking back' when you're with yourparents," Steinberg continued. "We want our children to question what their friends are saying, and not to go along automatically with social pressure."
All children are impudent and sassy at times. Yet they may view the situation and their behavior quite differently from their parents.
A 2-year-old will often say "no" as a way of finding out what reaction it will provoke from his parents.
A preschooler may simply be mimicking the style of communication he hears at home and assumes to be appropriate. While some children copy their parents' behavior, others are inspired to talk back by what they hear from a different source.
"There's a lot of rude, sassing behavior on television sitcoms," Steinberg said. "That gives children the idea that it's not only acceptable, but it's funny."
Talking back can be a particular problem for the parents of intelligent, articulate preschoolers and school-age children because their verbal skills may have outpaced their social skills.
A verbally precocious child may not yet have the empathy and diplomacy he needs to raise an issue or express his desires without appearing to challenge his parents.
"What the parents may view as back talk, the child may see as an opportunity to practice negotiating skills," said Dr. Alan Unis, a child psychiatrist and an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington School of Medicine in Seattle. "My 5-year-old son, for example, negotiates over how many vegetables he has to eat before he can have a cookie."
For children this age and older, talking back is a way to experiment with the limits of power and to gain extra attention. They quickly learn that words are not always necessary; they can provoke their parents (and thereby show their power) with a carefully timed look of disgust or raising of an eyebrow.
A sudden increase in back talk also can be a sign of a deeper problem that the child feels uncomfortable expressing directly.
If parents are having difficulty with their marriage, a child may talk back as a way of distracting them from the arguments that are making the child nervous.
An only child whose mother becomes pregnant may suddenly talk rudely to both parents. He can't think of other ways to get the extra attention he craves, so he does what he's sure will provoke a reaction.
A child's skill in logical and abstract thought increases dramatically during adolescence. Teen-agers also develop a new-found interest in talking about issues and seeing them from different perspectives.
Their feelings are suddenly more intense, so they easily get carried away by their emotions. Because of these changes in their feelings and mental abilities, they are more likely to challenge their parents and question the reasons behind rules or decisions that never bothered them before.
"But that doesn't mean it's done to hurt the parents," said Dr. Linda Dunlap, a developmental psychologist and an assistant professor of psychology at Marist College in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. "It's an awkward way of demonstrating their need for independence and competence." - The New York Times

by Archana Subramaniam by CNB