Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, January 29, 1992 TAG: 9201290086
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Joel Achenbach writes for the Style section of The Washington Post
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
ALIENS REALLY ARE BALD, FOR VERY GOOD REASONS
Q: Why are aliens from space always depicted as bald?A: Because they ARE bald. How obvious! It is such a joy to live in a world of logic.
We made "contact" with four UFOlogists, all of whom said that the description of aliens in recent years has been impressively consistent. In fact, that's how they tell a real alien sighting from a totally bogus one: Does it match previous descriptions? Specifically, the alien should have a bald, egg-shaped head; ear holes but no ears; huge, black eyes that look sort of like wraparound sunglasses; skinny limbs; four fingers with some webbing; and gray skin. Also, the sucker should be short: 4 feet 6 inches tall. A half-pint.
The term "little green men" is completely passe. Today, when the UFO crowd talks about people from outer space, they often refer to "The Grays."
"The generally accepted description of a Gray has only been around for about 10 years," said Bruce Maccabee, chairman of the Fund for UFO Research. "One doesn't know if these things are JOEL ACHENBACH seen naked or in a suit. They do not have the proportions of human beings. The feature that's most universally reported around the world by abductees is large black eyes."
Bob Bletchman, a spokesman for the Mutual UFO Network, said these aliens aren't imaginary: "It is not the collective meanderings of a population gone bonkers. It's based on empirical stuff. This is what very sober persons have witnessed."
Evidently sobriety is the first thing the experts want to check out in a serious UFO investigation. ("Exactly how many beers did you have, sir, before the pickup truck was beamed into the starship Googaloog?")
Philip Klass, who has made a career out of debunking UFO reports, said that almost all the sightings of strange objects in the sky come from honest, sincere people, while almost all the reports of actual alien encounters come from people with psychological problems. There's a logical reason, he said, why people always describe aliens as short and bald: Because otherwise they won't be believed by UFOlogists.
Still, where did this image originate? No doubt within our own egos. Aliens "R" Us. Only they're us in the future. H.G. Wells speculated that human beings would evolve into creatures with large heads and little bodies. The hairlessness is an obvious extension of the same evolutionary process - as we get balder, we're less like apes. Humans are prejudiced against hair.
Q: Why do couples always quarrel as they drive to a party?
A: The overriding cruelty of our lives is that we are biologically designed so that we will form pair-bonds, yet are not biologically designed to get along with our mates. Men and women have different brains, different tools for communicating, different emotional and sexual needs. A "couple" is like a store-bought gadget that must be assembled at home, only the instructions have been lost and you are certain some of the parts are missing.
Going to a party is one of the key times to fight. Olivia Mellan, a Washington psychotherapist, said, "Couples have problems with transitional phases." People always fight as they're leaving on vacation. They often fight going to work or coming home. And going to a party is a nightmare. All you can think about is how you will be perceived. Your image.
And your partner, alas, is invariably DEFECTIVE.
"You're onto a real situation there," said Isaiah Zimmerman, a couples therapist in Washington. When a couple goes to a party, "each one wants the other one to fulfill an image of the couple," he said. "So they're trying to program each other."
There are pre-party instructions, he says: "Don't flirt. Or don't leave me alone. Or, when you're talking to other people, pay attention to me and include me in the conversation. Don't drink too much. Don't wander off."
The key thing to realize is that none of this is abnormal or sick. Unfortunately there is this nasty tendency among would-be experts to turn every difficulty into a pathology, to see pain and discontent as unnatural and probably the result of faulty childrearing by our parents. This is nonsense. We're just designed strangely.
Merrill Lynch Bull Update:
We had this hilarious item recently pointing out that the Merrill Lynch bull is, in fact, a steer. Merrill Lynch called to say they loved it, except for one small, niggling little detail: We were wrong.
"Ours is not castrated," said Fred Yager, spokesman for the company. "You're invited to come to any commercial shoot and check him out personally."
Oh. So, uh, why is the gent so mellow?
"He's a pro," said Charles Mangano, director of advertising for Merrill Lynch. The bull's name is Bold Vision. He replaced Native Texan two years ago. Mangano said he doesn't know what happened to Native Texan. (Was he fired? STEWED?)
The thing we can't help but note is that these names sound like they belong on thoroughbred horses. So that's our new position: That's not a bull on those commercials, THAT'S A HORSE. - Washington Post Writers Group
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