Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, February 8, 1992 TAG: 9202080023
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
BETTER CHECK THE BLUE BOOK ON THAT AILMENT
Look at what George Bush is doing now.He is going to bring health care to every American by fooling around with Medicare.
But you can't say the guy isn't interesting.
As part of his plan for making sure everybody gets health care, he is suggesting a "blue book," like the kind you use to see how much your automobile is worth when you trade it in.
Thus, as I understand it, a guy who needed, say, to get his gall bladder out would look in one of these books to see what the fair market value of the operation was.
Then, he would go down to the lot, er, hospital and see what kind of a deal he could get.
"I ain't paying your price, Doc," our man might say. "The blue book knocks at least 300 bucks off your fee, not to mention another 200 off the anesthesiologist."
"Suit yourself, Mr. Badstones," the doctor might say, "but with the mileage you got on you, you'd better get this done pretty quick. Besides, our recuperation package is a real knockout."
"I don't mean to be offensive, Doc," our man says, "but if the president of the United States goes to all this trouble to see that every man, woman and child in the country gets health care at a fair price, I have to do my part, if you know what I mean."
"Mr. Badstones," the doctor says, "I, too, would give no offense. But if you'll pardon me for saying so, I think you need a new head gasket."
Badstones takes his blue book and starts to search for the right price for his gall bladder operation.
I know that some you are saying that Old Bennie here doesn't know how to spell the medical name for a gall bladder operation.
Well, you're wrong, you malletheads. It's a cholecystectomy. I think.
Our man goes from hospital to hospital, from doctor to doctor. Sometimes, when no one is looking, he kicks the tires on those carts they use to haul you into the operating room while you're wearing one of those funny hats.
But everywhere he goes, nobody wants to meet the price in the blue book.
Meanwhile, the gall bladder trouble is turning him yellow, and he hurts a lot.
Inevitably, he ends up at this clinic on the wrong side of town and is told it can meet the blue book price.
"Praise the Lord," says Badstones. "Another victory for the human spirit and George Bush. Check me in right now, honey."
"Oh, right," says the nurse. "But at that price you don't get the anesthetic and we use a recycled scalpel. But we do furnish a bullet for you to bite."