Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, February 13, 1992 TAG: 9202120200
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
THESE BILLS HAVE ME IN HIGH WATER
Open letter to the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors:Thanks for taking the time to read after one of your average aging, semihysterical residents.
I don't believe in mincing around, and the subject of this letter is the new water rates, which will help build this reservoir.
Coming right to the point, guys, I just got my quarterly bill, and it seems to me that I deserve to have this new reservoir named after me.
Think of it: The Benjamin Stuart Beagle Junior Memorial Reservoir. Has a nice sound to it, doesn't it?
I know how people in public life worry about naming buildings, bridges and reservoirs after living people.
This reluctance, as I understand it, comes from the fear that the person giving his or her name to a public project might get caught with his or her hand in the till or in an unholy tryst somewhere.
Then, you would have to put out a news release saying: "The name of Theobald Artemis is no longer associated with the county building of the same name - Mr. Artemis having been caught in some unholy trysting at the Bide-A-Wee Arms and Motor Hotel."
You wouldn't run that risk with old yours truly here.
For one thing, I am too tired to do any trysting - holy or unholy. I also can't afford the rates at the Bide-A-Wee Arms and Motor Hotel.
I don't have a till. All I have is my own wallet, which right now has two ones in it.
But we are talking about a memorial situation, and given the current water rates, I'm going to be eligible soon.
Several more water bills like the last one, and I'll no longer be able to afford to feed myself, buy gas to get to work, get medical care or buy proper clothing.
In addition, the time will come when I won't be able to afford to put water in my bourbon.
You can see the wide range of opportunities here. That is, the prospects for my passing range from starvation to liver damage to hypothermia.
I hope that death from one cause or another will occur before the office bombshell starts avoiding me because I can't afford to take showers. Brut deodorant and sponge baths won't work for long.
I really don't see why this should be such a big deal. You people have never done anything to make me immortal before.
You ever name even a dead-end street after me? Nah.
Think about it. The reservoir would become a shrine. You could charge admission.
And if you could see your way clear to giving my widow a reduced water rate, I'd know about it wherever I was.