Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, February 15, 1992 TAG: 9202150255
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BETH MACY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
NO MORE NAIVETE
FOR years, Leland Zane dreamed of writing a book. A retired teacher, he had outlines for two murder mysteries already complete.He's still planning to write that book, but sadly, the topic has changed.
Zane (the man's pen name) is doing research on extramarital affairs. He placed a classified ad in the Roanoke Times & World-News recently asking readers to reveal to him in writing how they found out a spouse was cheating and what they did about it.
We wrote to ask him if he'd share his story. Under the condition of anonymity, he agreed.
Before Zane's retirement, he was well-respected for his ethics, professionalism and meticulous manner, according to his former boss. Forced to retire because of a heart condition, Zane is still able to work around the house and volunteer in his community.
In short, he says, he is not a burden to his wife. They've been married more than 20 years.
He first suspected she was having an affair in 1990. He arrived early to pick her up from her white-collar job one day, and saw her hurrying into the building from a strange car.
For six months he snooped, tracking his wife's whereabouts and telephone calls. Finally, he says, he figured out who her boyfriend was and approached her with the information.
She denied it - which Zane says is typical, according to the research he's read on marriage and infidelity. Although he no longer believes his wife is involved with this man, his studies tell him that most spouses who cheat will continue to do so, even after the break-up of their initial affair.
Zane prefers to think the best of his wife, although he insists he will not stay married if it happens again. "I don't want to divorce," he says. "But at the same time, I don't want a wife around whose affections are not mine."
Zane has turned a momentary suspicion into a full-time obsession. It is possible, of course, that his wife is telling the truth, that she never had an affair at all. Zane has no physical evidence to prove his suspicions.
Zane insists he isn't being paranoid. "I'm not a psychologist or a sociologist, but I can tell you I'd never mistrusted her before all this came up," he says.
"Listen, I married a woman who lived on a farm and had one pair of shoes and a dress. I have provided her with the nicest of homes, and I've been into this marriage wholeheartedly.
"I don't take it lightly."
Zane took out the classified ad for three reasons. He wanted to learn the methods other people used in finding out their spouses cheated - to have more ammunition should he ever suspect it of his own wife again.
He wants to write a book about the subject once he receives at least 100 letters. (So far, 10 people have written.)
He also placed the ad for catharsis. Before this interview, Zane had only shared his story on two occasions - once with a friend, once with a relative.
Catharsis was also the motivation of a woman who wrote Zane. She'd learned of her church-deacon husband's affair with another church member. It lasted five years, she said, describing it this way:
He said the two of them had a good time, laughing and joking. He listened to her problems and could help her with them. I reminded him, he has never really listened to my problems. His answer: He could help her because they had no shared problems.
My husband is good to me. We have been married 39 years. He loves me, and I love him. When I married, I married for a lifetime, for better or worse. God has helped me through this and I know He will continue to help me.
Another woman wrote about a recent affair of her husband's; she found out about it from a fax he'd left on his desk at home. When she confronted him with it, she told him she still wanted her marriage. He agreed to end the affair, and the two of them are in counseling now.
Another woman wrote about her husband's 9-year affair, which she found out about through a telephone call from the girlfriend. The couple had been married 23 years, with three sons. His wife wrote:
He ended his affair; it's been three years now. I am still very hurt over it, but life goes on, and I love him. He says he loves me. . . .
This whole thing almost did me in. I lost about 35 pounds and for a long time I couldn't face people. I felt like everyone knew, but they didn't. I still hurt over it and I don't think I will ever trust him totally again . . . .
You never think it can happen to you but it does.
Another man described how his marriage became rocky in 1988, when he noticed his wife talked constantly about a married male co-worker. She'd leave for hours at a time on weekends without explaining where she'd gone. When the man examined his phone bill, he found numerous long-distance calls his wife had made to her boyfriend in the next county.
After he confronted her, they separated and eventually divorced. Her boyfriend later divorced, too.
Emotionally, Zane still hurts. Physically, the stress has affected him as well, causing doctors to increase his heart medication. He's had the flu four times this winter, too.
He is resigned to staying in his marriage, though he's promised his wife he'll leave if he has to. He's even seen a lawyer about his estate rights in the event of a separation.
"Put it this way: I went into this thing with a great deal of naivete," he says plainly. "My naive days are over."
Does he love his wife?
He wasn't sure how to answer that question.
"When you first get married, you know all about love," he explains. "But the longer you're married, the more you wonder what it really is. Quite frankly, I couldn't define love if you paid me $50,000 right now.
"I don't know. If you ask me, am I anxious for her to get home in the evenings, the answer is yes."
Though he gets depressed at times, Zane says he can usually rationalize his way out of a bad mood.
"There's always something in the back of my mind that tells me there'll be better days," he says.
Last week, he was hoping Valentine's Day would be one of those better days. He'd made plans to take his wife out for dinner and dancing.
Zane is still eager for more information on infidelity. Those interested in sharing their personal stories anonymously for use in his research can write to him at P.O. Box 3351, Radford, Va. 24143.