DON'T GET INVOLVED, EXPERTS SAY

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, February 16, 1992                   TAG: 9202130101
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: JOE KENNEDY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium
DON'T GET INVOLVED, EXPERTS SAY
Your friend's wife is having an affair, and you know it.
Should you tell him or keep your mouth shut?
"With anything that involves human behavior and problems in a marriage, there is rarely anything absolute that you can say," says Joan Derenge, a licensed clinical psychologist in Roanoke.
"I think the general rule is no."
Poking your nose into someone else's marriage usually will stir up a storm, says Louis Perrott, another licensed clinical psychologist. It's hard to predict what the fallout will be. Figuratively, at least, you, the messenger, might get killed.
There are exceptions to the self-preservation rule, Derenge says. If you have solid evidence that a friend's husband is picking up prostitutes, thereby putting your friend at risk for sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, you might feel compelled to sound an alert.
If you know that the man who is cheating with your friend's wife also is talking her out of money the family can't afford to spare, then you might want to tell your friend.
If you've known the victim of the infidelity longer than the unfaithful spouse, you might feel close enough to reveal your suspicions, Perrott says. But that can be dangerous. Your friend might already know and resent your intrusion.
Generally, Derenge says, she agrees with syndicated columnist Ann Landers, who advises people to MYOB - Mind Your Own Business.
But, Perrott cautions, "Even if you decide not to tell, you're not on safe ground if it comes to light later."
Your friend might then accuse you of a different kind of unfaithfulness, saying, "I wish you had told me."
Keep in mind, Derenge says, that people sometimes try to re-write history. Today, they might say you should have told them; back then, they probably wouldn't have appreciated it. In fact, they might have known the truth and denied it.
Aside from the rare exceptions listed above, she can think of only one circumstance where she might tell: if the friend asked her directly.
"If they ask the question," she says, "they already have some information."

by Bhavesh Jinadra by CNB