Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 17, 1992 TAG: 9202150248
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SHARI SPIKES COX NEWS SERVICE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
MANY MARRIAGES SURVIVE INFIDELITY
No one finds it hard to believe when a marriage breaks up over an extramarital affair. After all, Americans consistently rank fidelity as the No. 1 cherished value in marriage.So when a couple claims their marriage has survived an affair, and, in fact, is even stronger for the experience, most people don't believe it.
When Gary Hart's wife stood by him after his affair was revealed during the 1988 presidential election, the public assumed the couple had made a deal to salvage his campaign.
Now allegations of infidelity threaten yet another presidential hopeful and, once again, skeptics abound. To quell rumors, Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton and his wife, Hillary, went on national television to say they had serious marital problems in the past but had worked them out.
Psychologists say they see couples every day who are able to put their marriages back together. There are no hard numbers, but a few studies estimate 25 percent of marriages are able to overcome an affair.
"These are the marriages you don't hear about," said Nancy Vrechek, a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist. "People have been doing it for years, but nobody says, `Well, my husband had an affair, and we worked through it.' And nobody puts that in the paper."
There are many reasons people stay together - loneliness, religious values, love, fear. For a healthy relationship, however, couples must confront and solve the problems that caused the affair.
The key to salvaging the marriage, therapists say, is a mutual idea of the value of the relationship. In other words, commitment.
"Staying together and being faithful is an intellectual choice as well as emotional, and it is daily," said Douglas Canterbury-Counts, a licensed psychologist from Palm Beach, Fla. "My practice is based on the assumption that people can change."
And change, therapists agree, has to happen for a marriage to survive. Usually therapists start by examining the reason for the infidelity. Among the most common reasons are a need for sexual conquest, inability to deal with aging or depression and inability to develop a trusting relationship, according to Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan, authors of the book "Husbands And Wives, The Guide for Men and Women Who Want to Stay Married" (Signet 1990).
But there are many other reasons. Some partners have different sex drives. Some have affairs out of revenge or anger.
"Affairs can also be symbolic of saying `I'm leaving,' " Vrechek said. "A lot of people have a hard time trying to dissolve a relationship, but if they get their partner really mad, they can kind of walk away. It's an easy way out."
Couples with the best chance of surviving are those where the infidelity is a casual, one-time event, said Norma Schulman, a licensed psychologist and marital and family therapist.
In recent years Schulman also has seen a number of people continue in marriages even though their partners were involved in extramarital relationships that had gone on for a long time - years in some cases.
Sometimes the wife knows, but is reluctant to confront or acknowledge the situation, Schulman said. Sometimes the wife is even relieved, depending on her own sexual needs and providing she maintains her social and economic status. While these arrangements are common in Europe, Schulman said, they have been rare in America.
"However, as women increase their self-respect and self-esteem and move toward equality in marital relationships, they have become less willing to tolerate the infidelity," Schulman said. "They are more likely to want a negotiated understanding that will protect them from unpleasant surprises such as some woman calling them on the phone, or a story in a tabloid."
Often, Schulman said, the wife will stipulate certain arrangements for herself - financial, social appearances, even sexual arrangements.
What this all means, Schulman said, is that our morals have become a little slippery.
Fidelity, it seems, has always been more of an American ideal than a reality. Back in the 1950s, sexual behavior expert Alfred Charles Kinsey found about half of all married men and a quarter of all married women had at least one extramarital affair by age 60. By the 1980s, author Maggie Scarf found 60 percent to 65 percent of all married men have cheated at least once, as have 45 percent to 55 percent of married women.
Though infidelity is common, psychologist Kevin Raymond pointed out, it is still unacceptable in American society.
"So the dynamics of infidelity are the same for both sexes - shame and guilt," Raymond said. "If the partners can handle that, the marriage can continue, but a lot of people will just end a marriage rather than deal with these highly emotionally charged issues."
A marriage that survives infidelity - or any trauma, for that matter - is bound to change, therapists say. For instance, communication usually improves as partners learn to relate to one another. They also must become more realistic about marriage.
"An affair can jolt you into reality that there are bumps in the road," Vrechek said. "One of the things you do in therapy is help people take care of themselves so they are not devastated by what life gives them."
Learning to do this can be painful work, Canterbury-Counts said.
"While marriage is made up of two individuals, each of us also has a shadow, an aspect of our psychology that we don't want to look at," he said.
An example might be the man who lives an ordinary life, but lusts for the Jezebel type of woman.
"He is terribly afraid of that within himself, because it doesn't measure up to the woman he married," the therapist explained. "He pushes it back in the shadows and then one day he ends up having a fling with someone like that."
This is the man who remorsefully confesses, "I don't know what made me do it."
In truth, Canterbury-Counts said, the man really does not know. He certainly doesn't understand that it is not the instinct that is evil, but the action.
"He has to learn he can come to grips with it without having to act it out," Canterbury-Counts said.
Ultimately, therapists say, marriages that survive extramarital affairs are those with partners who accept that nobody is perfect.
These are the couples who come to therapy and say: We have no idea of whether we can salvage this, but we want to try.