Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, February 27, 1993 TAG: 9302270067
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
GIVING CLINTON THE RUNAROUND ON HIS TRACK RECORD
Dear Mr. President:As a good American who might well have been one of your predecessor's Thousand Points of Light, if it hadn't been for certain enemies in high places, I am writing to say that I will be unable to donate any money for your jogging track at the White House.
As I understand it it, you decided not to build this $30,000 track with public funds. A bloody good show of sacrifice that. Now, there is a fund drive.
I am already pretty deep into this sacrifice thing myself, Mr. President, and believe me I know how you feel.
For example, I had surgery recently for a torn rotator cuff. I like to say this was the result of an old football injury, but that is a lie. I am pretty sure I tore it lifting the Better n' Ben's insert stove out of the fireplace, so we could clean the chimney.
Incidentally, Mr. President, we are hoping that you won't propose putting an energy tax on firewood. We are very partial to our wood stove. It takes us back to a time when Americans were close to the soil and didn't worry about their VCRs all the time.
Your cat Socks would love to curl up near it - when she isn't out campaigning for you.
I am compelled to tell you that our cat Judy doesn't hold Socks in the highest esteem. Until now, I had no idea Judy was a Republican.
But we should have known. She was born the year Ronnie Reagan won his first term.
It's funny. You don't think of Republicans going on purring jags at 4 a.m.
Anyway, back to this sacrifice thing. Since I hurt my shoulder, I am afraid to clean out the gutters. I will have to hire somebody, and I hope I won't be expected to withhold Social Security from his pay.
In addition, I erred badly in my understanding of taxes on Social Security, and I am going to have to send a bundle your way on April 15. This, if you will pardon a Radford expression, Mr. President, is one hell of a way for a person to start his Golden Years.
I am sure there will be enough donations for your jogging track. My inability to contribute anything should not be taken as evidence that I have anything against joggers. I'd be one myself except that I flab about too much when I run.
I assure you, Mr. President, some of my best friends are, or were, joggers.
I hope this finds you and your family in the best of health, although Judy does not join me in this sentiment.
She says that if you want a jogging track, you ought to pay for it yourself.
\ Sincerest best wishes,
\ Bennie Beagle