Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 8, 1993 TAG: 9307070464
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: PG-8 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: By BECKY HEPLER
DATELINE: BLACKSBURG LENGTH: Medium
Buying clothes for children can spark just that kind of exchange. You begin to wonder if aliens really did kidnap that wonderful bundle of joy that used to be your baby and left instead this younger version of Imelda Marcos.
The situation is compounded because the cost of clothing, especially the name brands that seem to catch the fancy of these clothing dictators, can break a family budget. You may really want to satisfy your youngster's feeling of belonging, but the price of those athletic shoes takes up the entire clothing budget for the year.
Parents can keep their sanity and their wallets intact if they remember three things: First, their own life and times as a teen-ager; second, have a budget in place and make your children part of it; third, be able to live with any rule you make.
By middle school, most children start supplanting family relationships with peer-group relationships. It's not what your parents think of you, it's your friends' opinions that count the most, and at that age, the criterion by which you are judged is your image, as fashioned by the clothes you wear, the people you hang out with and the activities you pursue.
"I call it Middle School Hell, where it's very painful to be different," said Paula Markham. The Blacksburg LPC (licensed professional counselor) owns Counterpoint Counseling, a firm that specializes in family therapy. "Peer approval is a phenomenal force."
This shouldn't be so hard for parents to understand. There is no more poignant personal memory than those times when you didn't measure up with your young friends. You may never be able to remember the formula for algebraic equations, but you can recall to the last detail the time you didn't have the right clothes and how devastated you felt because your friends laughed, or worse, felt pity for you.
It may be more difficult for parents to understand these feelings because they seem to be coming earlier, Markham said. While parents may not have faced these issues until high school, tody's youths are more likely to face them in middle school. Regardless of the factors that speed up the maturation rates, these are the same feelings.
So the first defense in dealing with your offspring about the clothing issue is to treat their feelings with respect, regardless of how shallow it may seem to you. Call on those old memories, if you need to, just so you don't laugh at them. As much as they want to belong, adolescents want to be taken seriously by their parents. Nothing is LESS serious than being scoffed by your parents.
The best defense against peer pressure that hurts your wallet is to make your children smart consumers and this can start early.
"There's an incredible amount of pressure on children to buy this or that," said Janet Sawyers, head of Virginia Tech's Child Development Laboratory. "Parents need to take advantage of any `teachable moment' to help their children become smart shoppers, to look for quality and to realize they can't have everything, they must make choices."
Sawyers said parents can start with children as young as 6 or 8 years old, giving them some choices. As the children get more adept at making decisions, the parents can turn over more responsibility for the choices to the children.
Markham concurred with this. "Set up a budget and decide on what the minimum amount of clothing they will need," she said. When youngsters have all the information and they know their choices have a definite impact (one name brand coat or shoes means three fewer pairs of jeans), they can make their decisions accordingly.
It may mean using their own money to get the things the budget won't cover, but if it's that important to them, that action gives the adolescents a stake in their wardrobe and they have a better sense of the cost of items.
Markham cautioned parents to not make rules they cannot abide, nor to surrender all control of their children's wardrobe. As a parent, you have a right to have a say in the appropriateness of the child's wardrobe. The point is to give children choices, but make sure these are choices you as parents can accept.
"Often, it's a control issue," said Markham. "The kids are getting to an age where they are trying to separate themselves from their parents and parents find it hard to give up that authority."
What is required in cases like this is a negotiation process that sees both points of view as valid. This doesn't mean that the child will always get his or her way, but at least those desires are acknowledged.
"Kids respond well to things that are fair," Markham said. "Even if they don't get what they want, if they can perceive they're being acknowledged, they can usually live with that."
by CNB