Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 8, 1993 TAG: 9307080045
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Beth Macy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I could tell the topic really struck a chord because a whopping 12 of you called. Thirteen, if you count my husband, who tried to disguise his nasal Indiana voice with an ersatz hillbilly accent and said, "I cain't tell you anything 'cause I never had no real girlfrins till I met ma wiiiife."
Which is a likely story, but one I like.
The Ex-Examples can be broken down into three categories: food-related, skill-related and the first:
Deep stuff - "I can't think of a single thing I learned from any man. Sad, isn't it?" said one woman who identified herself only as a big "Seinfeld" fan.
Another woman, who said she'd once been engaged to the lead guitar player of The Box Tops ("Cry Like a Baby" and "The Letter"), said the problem with most men was that she knew more than they did.
What she learned from the Box Topper was: "No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it's not enough and you have to walk away." Is that a Box Tops tune or what?
Food-related tidbits - Eric of Natural Bridge claimed an ex-girlfriend taught him "never to make lemonade out of a mountain stream without first checking to see if there's a dead groundhog upstream."
The outdoorsy, romantic-weekend-getaway type, Eric also learned that it's possible to survive for days on Cream of Wheat, brown sugar, toast and Pepsi. And that cilantro is the magic ingredient in all Mexican food.
"Also you should never, never, never sneak up on a horse, instead always approaching from the side or front while talking calmly to it," he said. "I learned that one the hard way."
Shannon of Roanoke learned the ultimate guy-food trick from one of her ex-beaus: If you cut the Mrs. Paul's fish filets in half, they'll fill up a whole slice of bread.
A man taught Susan how to prepare dinner meats so they "melt in your mouth," and Tom's ex-wife taught him that sliced Vidalia onions on a scrambled-egg sandwich are delicious.
And you have to wonder about Cindy's cooking abilities when she says that an ex taught her how to boil hot dogs. "I rarely think of him anymore, but every time I boil hot dogs I remember him and I remember him fondly."
As for actual skills, Rick says an ex-girlfriend taught him how to peel a hard-boiled egg by tapping it with a spoon.
One woman claimed a man - now this is a real role-reversal - taught her not to put empty milk cartons back in the refrigerator. (Now if they could only get the ice-cube trays and the toilet-paper dispensers straight . . .)
And Amy, who claims her ex was the "second most anal-retentive person ever (the first being an ex-roommate who freaked out when I used to dry my clean underwear on top of the dryer)," learned that if you put your keys in the same exact place every single day, you won't have to spend that extra 20 seconds looking for them.
A woman named Casey in Salem advised that "in desperation at a keg party, never try to pry open the tap with a dime."
Casey - who not only didn't break up with the keg-maven, she married him - says she still has the bent dime 12 years later to prove that it doesn't work.
Casey got me thinking about a few things I've learned from my husband these past three years. They are:
That schoolteachers make the best husbands because you don't have to do laundry, vacuum or go grocery shopping during the summer. (But you do have to keep hold of the checkbook, or they'll spend all your money at Lowe's.)
That it's pointless to argue over the best way to cool down an un-air-conditioned house; you're still gonna roast.
That cheap husbands never change. The return of the Cheapest Man Alive, part II: Last weekend after a storm seeped through his leaky sunroof, he pulled a dripping box of Kleenex from the floor of his car and proceeded to dry the box out on the front porch - with the idea of still using them.
And finally, that it's best to never, ever mention ex-boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses.
Sorry, folks. I should've realized that. Next time I'll pick a more harmonious topic, one that promotes relationship accord rather than discord.
Something along the lines of, say, mothers-in-law.
Beth Macy, a features department staff writer, refuses to believe that closing the windows during the day keeps the heat out of the house. Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB