Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, July 20, 1993 TAG: 9307210202
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Allegedly recorded last November by Britain's domestic security service, the conversation in question became public recently in the London tabloids. We'll pick it up where Charles and Diana are in a near bloodbath.
The prince has just said that he holds out hope for reconciling their marriage, that he wants to work things out. The princess has responded that after all they've been through, he can go kiss Big Ben.
Charles is miffed: "Can I say anything right? Tell me what it is you want me to say."
Diana: "Say something I want to hear."
Charles: "I'm leaving."
Diana: "Oh don't be so bloody childish."
Charles: "Oh God."
Diana: "Must you always run when the pressure gets too much?"
Charles: "I'm not running. Unlike you, I want to deal with this like adults."
Diana: "I think I am. It's just that I want to get it done now rather than later. I don't want it to run on like a silly soap opera."
Charles: "I'm going to bed."
Saving this marriage may be hopeless. But who better to try than John Gray, a California therapist who specializes in extracting couples from the web of misunderstanding that results from conversations like the one above.
In his best-selling book, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" ($20, HarperCollins), Gray argues that such conversations occur - and many divorces, too - because each gender has its own customs, beliefs and language that the other gender doesn't understand.
"Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words," he says. "We still need translators."
Charles and Diana apparently are no exception. So with translator in tow, let's revisit that nasty skirmish at the couple's country home.
As it turns out, Gray says, the conversation is a classic case of cross-gender miscommunication. Each party makes one mistake - based on a false assumption about the other gender - and the entire encounter degenerates into a dart-throwing catastrophe.
Diana's mistake, Gray says, is making the assumption that if Charles loved her, he would automatically know how to express that to her satisfaction. But men and women learn vastly different ways of expressing love - women tend to be more verbal, Gray says - so Diana is likely to be disappointed.
"Diana has the expectation that Charles should do certain things, and when he doesn't, she thinks he's intentionally not meeting her needs," Gray says. "She doesn't realize that he may have no idea what they are. She has to tell him what she needs."
Instead, she asks him to "say something I want to hear," which seems to Charles, and perhaps most other men, like a test for which he is being set up to fail.
And that's when his mistake occurs, Gray says. Charles responds to Diana with an exasperated "I'm leaving." Gray says that is the "most threatening thing a man can say to a woman."
In the male culture, to stop a conversation like the one above makes perfect sense, Gray says. Things are deteriorating, tempers are rising, so it's time to separate the two parties before things get entirely out of hand, and come back later.
But most women don't work that way, Gray says. They've learned to solve problems by talking about them - right now. So Diana sees Charles' desire to take a break as a sign of cowardice and immaturity.
And here's one of the other classic differences. "When a man doesn't behave like a woman thinks he should, she labels him childish," Gray says. "When a woman doesn't behave like a man would like, he labels her irrational."
In either case, the conversation usually goes into freefall. And the relationship may follow.
Is there a way to avoid these misunderstandings? Gray believes there is. It starts with a commitment by both partners to study the culture of the other, and to appreciate the different ways that males and females are taught to love and communicate.
The key to getting through such strife, Gray says, is to avoid pointing fingers at one another. If couples become adversaries, he says, they can expect a royal mess.
\ PRIMARY LOVE NEEDS\ \ Women need: Men need:\ 1. Caring 1. Trust\ 2. Understanding 2. Acceptance\ 3. Respect 3. Appreciation\ 4. Devotion 4. Admiration\ 5. Validation 5. Approval\ 6. Reassurance 6. Encouragement
Source: "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," by John Gray.
\ MALE CALL
Men and women: What are some of the major difficulties you have communicating with members of the other sex? How have you solved communication problems?
Send responses, questions and comments to "The Men's Column," c/o The Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB