Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 26, 1993                   TAG: 9307250004
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WILL MISS AMERICA ALWAYS MEASURE UP?

This, as the producer of the Miss America Pageant told reporters, will mean that contestants no longer will look alike because they were done up by special hair and makeup people.

The producer called this the "Stepford Wives" look.

Certainly, all of the contestants have had the same body measurements for years - roughly 34-22-34. You ever hear of Miss America contestant who went 40-26-42?

This hair/makeup edict may be an important first step to dooming the Miss America Pageant. We have to be realistic because the pageant has lasted for 73 years and apparently touches something in many Americans.

I may be too optimistic, but I think the contestants are going to hate this new rule.

Here's Miss Alabama:

"Ah'm turbly sorrah, Mama, but Ah doan intend tuh go up among thim Yankees 'n hev tuh do mah own haiah 'n mek-up. Uh body doan hev th' tyam tuh do all thet 'n still be purty as uh magnolia blossom."

Other contestants follow Miss Alabama's lead and everybody withdraws from the contest.

This means our culture is enriched because there are no more talent contests in which inept young women with 34-22-34 measurements sing and dance for very long periods.

I don't think all of this is going to happen, of course, but the new hair and makeup procedures may open the path for more changes that at least will make the pageant less of a national embarrassment.

One of these days the producer of the pageant is going to notice that everybody is built like a Barbie doll.

He will realize that the bathing suit competition is about as exciting as watching the offensive line of the Washington Redskins practicing blocking assignments.

One of these days, the producer is likely to notice another similarity. That is, all of the contestants are capable of crying on demand should they be the winner. A new rule will require the winner to stay dry and smile arrogantly, while all the losers bawl.

This isn't going to be easy for people who have practiced crying and having the same measurements since they were children.

The pageant may change further. I look forward to the day when the evening gown competition is crippled because of a new rule requiring contestants to sew their own.

(I can hear Miss Alabama now.)

I don't, however, expect to see a Miss Iowa who has 40-26-42 measurements walk down the runway during my lifetime.