Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, August 10, 1993 TAG: 9308130235
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Q: My husband recently retired, and he's spending a lot of time in the kitchen. I appreciate that. He cooks well. But it bothers me that he never puts things back where they belong. I tell him again and again, but he just shrugs and puts the utensils in the wrong place. Is there any way to get through to him?
A: Think of your kitchen as a workplace. It's clearly been your workplace for a long time, and now there's someone else on the job, an invader, someone who wants to change things. No wonder you're resistant.
During the last 30 years, men have been just as resistant to women invading their workplaces, especially when women tried to change things, to put things where they don't "belong."
My guess is that your husband is sending you a message without necessarily knowing it. He's saying that the kitchen is his workplace now too, and he wants to be involved in the decisions there.
Since your concern, presumably, is being able to find what you need when you need it, here's a possible solution: Sit down with your husband and decide together where everything "belongs" in this new, joint workplace. Then, move it there together.
And be open to his suggestions. Just as women often improved traditional workplaces as they moved in, maybe your husband will have a bright idea about where to put the salad spinner.
\ Q: My girlfriend and I are moving in together, and she's already got it all planned out how to decorate the new place. I have some ideas, but she doesn't like them. She says it will reflect on her if the house doesn't look good. This is becoming a big issue between us. What can we do?
A: Imagine a male corporate manager trying to prevent a woman colleague from making business decisions because it could make him look bad. Women have filed lawsuits over this kind of thing. They call it sexism.
Of course, you probably don't need to take your girlfriend to court. But you can certainly press your case. Perhaps it will help both of you to know that other couples have faced this issue too.
How have they resolved it? I know of one couple, Mark and Diane, who settled it the old-fashioned way: They compromised. She got one room to decorate, he got one room, and they worked together on the other rooms.
Two years later, Mark says the compromise was "a real relationship-builder." Both partners had a chance to create their own space where they're most comfortable. And at the same time, by working together in the common places, they learned to meld their ideas and play off the other's creativity.
This ability to be both separate and united, Mark says, helped him ease into the reality of living with someone for the first time. And both partners were so satisfied with the compromise that when they moved into a new home recently, they did things the same way.
Of course, with expanded rights in the home, men can also expect expanded responsibilities. Mark notes that his wife occasionally reminds him to help clean up his part of the house.
\ MEN-TION
From 1969 to 1987, the average time men spent at household work rose by about a half-hour a day. Married men increased their share of housework from 15 percent in 1965 to 33 percent in 1985. The result was that women spent 7.5 fewer hours a week doing housework in 1985 than in 1965, while men spent 5.2 hours more.
Source: "No Man's Land," by Kathleen Gerson (BasicBooks, $25)
\ MALE CALL
I welcome reader questions, though I'm unable to answer all of them in this space. Here's one woman's question that some of you male readers may be able to address.
Q: Why are so many men turned off by single mothers? I'm 27 and attractive. I'm buying my own home. I read the newspaper. I'm not stupid. I have been divorced for almost four years, and I have yet to find a man who wants a relationship with me. Plenty of them want sex or to take me out, but after they spend a few visits with my two kids around, they back off. And my kids are well-behaved. What's the big problem?
Send responses or comments to The Men's Column, in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB