Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, August 20, 1993                   TAG: 9308200249
SECTION: VIRGINIA                    PAGE: B-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: ED SHAMY
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

TO WIN AT MONOPOLY, BUY RAILROADS, NOT JUST UTILITIES

Shoot, I have far better ideas, and I charge only a fraction of that rate.

If Roanoke is so hot to take over a business, why mess with a natural gas company? One disgruntled worker lights a stogie near those pipes, and we're all deep fried.

There are better takeover prospects:

Norfolk Southern Corp.

Now here's a company that'll have a profound and lasting effect on property tax rates. We take over this sucker, and nobody'll ever have to ante up another dime. If the issue with the gas company is the pipes beneath the streets, how about the rails that run over the streets? We seize the railroad and do away with that dusty, dirty, polluting coal (environmentally sensitive) and replace it with passenger trains (to heck with Amtrak).

The Blue Star Cantina or the Lone Muse or whatever the last name was for that cornerstone bar that seems to always fail on the City Market. We keep the beer vats, and we come out with Muni-Brew, our own dark lager. If Easter Seals can sell beer, and Festival in the Park can sell beer, and the Chili Festival can sell beer, why can't the city?

Carilion Health Systems

Here's where forward-thinking Roanoke gets out ahead of this national health-care reform thing. With the moolah that pulses through this cash cow each year, taxpayers win the Lotto every year when they get their city dividend checks.

Roanoke Weiner Stand

You ever seen this place at lunchtime?

Mountaintop Orchards

It's in Roanoke County, but the city will just surrender its charter to get to this mountain fruit factory. That'll take care of another nasty issue: If we don't seize the peach trees now, they're going to be bulldozed at year's end to make way for horses or some other inedible, upper-crust, gentleman-farmer enterprise. We must act now.

Pier 1 Imports

Now under construction on the Valley View Mall perimeter, there'll be plenty of retail, service sector-type jobs available when it opens. This is a preferred option because these poor folks will never know what hit them.

Roanoke Express

Every six weeks, city residents vote on whether to bench the slumping goalie and how many Canadians to send home.

First Union Bank

Why not? They did it to us; let's do it back.

Happy's Flea Market

What other city in this country offers its citizens free tapestries of bulldogs and dalmatians playing poker?

Star City Roller Skating Center

In a pinch, it's perfect temporary shelter for flood victims.

Miss Stella

The city hasn't done so hot without a palm reader; can it hurt to have one on the payroll?

Undoubtedly, the first prediction from Roanoke's staff palm reader: "You are headed for a very large lawsuit if you try to take over any of these businesses. Only lawyers will profit."

Nothing new there.