Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, August 23, 1993                   TAG: 9308220006
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WHEN I GET FIRED FROM MY CURRENT SEMI-RETIRED

There is a need here.

For example, the manual that comes with a mower that costs about the same as a new Ford did in 1950 tells the user that when the ground is dry, the mower will stir up a lot of dust. In addition, the grass should be dry to the touch and the ground should be moist.

I'll just say this: If you make a practice of crawling around and feeling your grass, the neighbors are going to start talking, and I wouldn't blame them. I would add that dry grass and moist ground seldom occur simultaneously in the lifetime of your average American.

I would rewrite this section of the manual like this:

"Any mallethead knows that when the ground is dry, the mower is going to stir up a lot of dust that will kill your sinuses. If you like dust, however, get right in there, pally.

"We recommend retiring to a cool place and having a beer when the ground is dusty. If your helpmate asks you why you are doing this, it is important not to let your mouth run off and lead you to say things like: `Hey, Cleopatra. You like dust? Go eat some, baby.' "

"This may cause serious injury to your head, rib cage, teeth, upper and lower limbs as well as other parts of your body. If you have to live dangerously, stick your toe under the deck while the blade is running. At least you get some sympathy."

Another manual entry says that wet grass is slippery and it will make you fall down and lose control of your mower. It says that wet grass clogs up your mower. The message here is not to mow after you have felt your grass and found it to be wet.

(And your neighbor says: "He's gone, Clementine. He's out there feeling his grass again.")

I would write this section this way:

"Sure, we know that wet grass clogs up your mower, and we all know a thing or two about falling down. But when it is in the mid-90s by the time the grass is dry, the wise man forgets about wetness and mows early in the morning, before the sun gets high enough to make you wish you were dead."

"Nobody wants a clogged mower deck, which means you have to dig all of that disgusting stuff out of the side discharge chute. And nobody, we hope, enjoys falling down. But the desire to avoid heat stroke and live at least until Labor Day is strong within many of us. Besides, many people fall down while mowing dry grass. They are usually overcome by dust."

Next: A look at electrical appliance manuals that warn you that hot dishes can burn you pretty bad.