Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, August 31, 1993 TAG: 9308310329
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 6 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
In a news conference later, the 24-year-old Texan said he never felt worthy of the hero worship that followed his 1992 Olympic performance. Now, under persistent pressure to perform even better, he felt "tortured," isolated and profoundly depressed.
His decision may have saved his life.
Last year, about 25,000 men in the United States committed suicide - four times the number of women. And chief among the reasons was the killer combination that Donie faced: high expectations, a fear of failure and a belief that there was nowhere to turn for help.
"Men are forced to isolate themselves; it's our social sentence," says Ronald Maris, a suicidologist at the University of South Carolina. "We're strong, silent, off by ourselves, trying to be king of the heap. Inevitably, all of us fail. And when we do that, we don't have a lot to fall back on."
So we get angry. We blame ourselves. And sometimes, feeling humiliated, trapped, hopeless or helpless, we take the difficult, but conclusive, way out.
Artist Vincent Van Gogh did it. So did writer Ernest Hemingway, yippie Abbie Hoffman and most recently, presidential aide Vince Foster Jr. But fame isn't a criterion for men killing themselves.
And neither is adulthood.
As early as the age of 10, boys are committing suicide at twice the rate girls are. By their late teens, they do it at four times the rate, and that 4-to-1 disparity continues through most of the working and parenting years.
Then, as men retire, suffer health problems and lose friends and spouses, their suicide rate skyrockets. Between ages 75 and 85, suicide is 10 times more common among men than women.
Why such a stark difference?
The easiest answer is the method. While women tend to use pills or poison, men use guns. Guns work better. But, beyond that, men seem to struggle more with the ebbs and flows of life.
Most men are conditioned to believe that their chief role is to achieve economic success: to get a good job, climb the corporate ladder, provide a decent life for themselves and their family. When something disrupts that (a firing, plant closing or business failure, for example), many men take it very hard.
And that's when our other major conditioning - suffering in silence - can move in to finish us off. From the first time we're told that "big boys don't cry," we learn to keep our pain inside. To show pain is to show weakness, and to be a man is to always appear strong. Even when you feel that you want to die.
That's why it's often so shocking when a man kills himself. His wife didn't see it coming. Neither did his children and co-workers. He didn't seek medical or psychological help, nor did he confide in his friends.
He never said a word to anyone about his desperation. Then, suddenly, he's gone.
This pattern is especially common among those most likely to commit suicide: older, successful white men. Business executives, lawyers, presidential aides - they're used to making things happen their way, to creating their own success.
Then something dramatic happens to them. Suddenly, they're vulnerable, afraid, even dependent on others. They cannot fix things as they always have. They cannot with certainty know things will get better. And they believe it is unmanly to reach out for help.
At times like these, suicide may actually seem like a logical choice.
Can this pattern be changed?
There is no easy way. But Zigfrids Stelmachers, a suicide prevention specialist at the University of Minnesota, says we can help the men around us most by watching for the signs of depression - weight loss, sleep problems, social withdrawal, detachment, and others - and then strongly encouraging those men to get help.
Ultimately, we must make it acceptable for more men, like Olympic diver Scott Donie, to take those first few courageous steps backward.
MALE CALL Men: How have you dealt with the failures, disappointments and losses in your life? Women: What are your methods of coping with depression or heartache?
\ Send responses to "The Men's Column," in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 2401-2491.
\ MEN-TION
STATE SUICIDE RANKINGS AND RATES (per 100,000 residents)
1. NEVADA 24.5
2. MONTANA 20.9
3. IDAHO 19.1
4. NEW MEXICO 18.7
24. VIRGINIA 12.9
by CNB