Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, October 5, 1993 TAG: 9310050045
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
About the only time they came in contact was when they floated by each other twice a day in the tunnel between the spaceship's sleeping quarters and its workplace.
No candlelight meals together. No intimate talks. No physical contact.
This is the zero-gravity version of one of the most pervasive marriage problems on Earth: The Two-Income-No-Sex Syndrome (as coined by philosopher Sam Keen), or, how to keep the engines burning when you're constantly low on fuel.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. I recently\ asked five very ordinary men - all married, working, ages 33 to 67 - to talk\ about how they maintain romantic readiness.
Each acknowledged that his marriage had gone through at least one sexless\ stage. Yet, as a group, they offered great hope - and these three suggestions\ - for boosting romance in a longterm relationship.
1) Jettison all expectations.
"Somewhere along the line, we all hear that the average couple has sex 2.5\ times per week," says Kevin, 33, married for six years. "When it doesn't happen\ for us, we think there's something wrong."
In fact, of course, there is no average couple; in each relationship, the\ passion ebbs and flows.
Of the men I spoke with, one said he and his wife have sex about twice a\ month, but sometimes increase that to twice a day on vacations. Another said he\ has sex about three times a week with his wife, but went three months without\ it during one stressful time in their lives.
2) Launch not the first stone.
"When I accuse my wife of being frigid, it doesn't do anything to warm her\ up," says Frank, 48, married 10 years.
No kidding. And it's no different the other way around. Men can just as\ quickly lose all interest in sex when their partner starts hurling accusations.\ All five of the men agreed: Sex is a team enterprise, and both partners are\ responsible for creating an environment that turns both of them on. This was a\ big enough issue for two of the men that they went with their wives to marital\ therapy to get beyond blame.
3) Extend the countdown.
"Our path into sex starts with reconnecting in other ways first," says\ Edward, 35, married three years. "Sex for us is usually the punctuation mark\ at the end of a sentence rather than the capital letter at the beginning."
What he means is that, unlike the early days of their relationship, he and\ his wife usually take time to warm up to each other before they make it to bed.
They've found that they often must block out a day or evening for romance, a\ time to get away from work and children.
Then they get in the mood by having intimate conversations, taking walks,\ riding bikes or cooking a nice meal together.
Of course, some relationships have problems that run deeper than these suggestions can reach. Unaired resentments, verbal or physical abuse and other\ issues can result in a complete sexual shutdown.
But often, the toughest mission for men is to overcome the dominant\ sexual stereotype we've been taught - that a real man always wants sex, no\ matter when, where, why, how or with whom.
What planet is he from?
MALE CALL
Men and women: How do you keep romance alive in your relationship? Send responses, comments and any questions about men to "The Men's Column," in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
Men-tion\ Is sex more gratifying since marriage?\ Married men Married women\ Much better 34 percent 37 percent\ Better 25 24\ Same 30 28\ Worse 10 9\ Much worse 1 2\ Source: Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, 1993
by CNB