Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, October 8, 1993                   TAG: 9310080010
SECTION: VIRGINIA                    PAGE: B-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: ED SHAMY
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

KEEP YOUR TOOTH-PICKIN' PINE SPLINTERS OFF HER CARPET

A year and a half ago, this letter arrived here at spleen-vent headquarters:

"Dear Ed: As you seem to like championing unlikely causes, may I enlist your help? I work in a lovely shop in a local mall. There is a cafeteria in this mall, and it dispenses toothpicks. People wander in, chewing these delectable splinters or actually picking their teeth in public. When they are through, they drop them on our floor. They cannot be picked up by the vacuum, so we must gather them by hand (imagine our disgust - lipstick and smeared food!) to be disposed of by us.

Not only is it unsanitary, but yokels with toothpicks dangling look like just that - yokels. Thanks for letting me vent my spleen."

F.N., Roanoke.

I was not persuaded to crusade on F.N.'s behalf.

Recently comes a second letter:

"Remember us? This is one morning's collection from our store floor. Isn't it a pretty sight?"

Enclosed in a plastic bag are seven whole toothpicks, ends ragged, and two half-'picks. Several are smeared with something red. Blood? Lipstick? Raspberry pie?

Dear F.N., I give up. Here goes: Hey, you thoughtless goons! Quit dropping your toothpicks when outside your own home! Drop them in the conveniently located, red MEDICAL WASTE bags and learn to clean your 'tweeners with saliva pressure. I'm not sure that'll work, F.N., so why not invest in a 'pick vacuum? And spare me the visuals.

"Mr. Shamy,

I think you could be a great columnist, if you spent six months in jail. Then you would begin to realize the atrocities the Virginia legal system is capable of. If a staff writer can spend six months on the Appalachian Trail, surely a semi-great columnist like yourself could spend six months in his hometown jail."

Incarcerated, D.R., Roanoke (Jail).

Dear D.R., Some men are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some of us settle for semi-greatness and aspire to no greater heights. For full greatness, I nominate quasi-great Appalachian Trail hiker Melissa DeVaughn.

"Sir: Why build one `smart' road for `dumb' drivers, while all the other highways remain `dumb' roads for `smart' drivers? `Smart' cars would cause all roads to become `smart' roads at less cost."

R.C., Troutville.

Dear R.C., Had trouble following that, but I'd be interested in any information you have on `smart' vacuums that can pick up `dumb' toothpicks.

"Dear Ed, . . . I observed the local custom of displaying one's love and devotion on personalized license plates, with initials (e.g. xyz abz) . . . What if these personalized plates are really Virginia marriage licenses? Would the expiration date on the plate mean the marriage was over should the license not be renewed? Also, if one elected not to renew the license plate, would that constitute a divorce?"

D.Y., Roanoke.

Dear D.Y., Legal experts tell me that would constitute an annulment. If your car were stolen, would you be able to track down the thief and insist he take your spouse, too?