Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, October 26, 1993 TAG: 9310260010
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Psychologist Jerrold Shapiro, who writes on men's issues, describes his\ delivery-room ordeal as "scary, exciting, grueling." Sam Osherson, author of a\ book on fathers and sons, remembers "dancing, doing a jig" with his newborn\ son in his arms.
And for Houston Oilers lineman David Williams, childbirth was simply "the most unbelievable thing I'd ever seen."
Today, about 80 percent of fathers attend the births of their children - up from virtually zero just 35 years ago. Work doesn't stop them. Squeamishness doesn't hold them back. And neither will the recriminations of retro-thinkers like Bob Young.
Young is the Oilers coach who stuck his cleat in his mouth recently when he condemned Williams for missing a football game to be with his wife in the hours\ after she gave birth to their first child. To quote Young: "That's like if\ World War II was going on and you said, `I can't go fly. My wife's having a\ baby.'"
Not quite, Bob. We're talking the New England Patriots, not the Nazis.
To his credit, Williams, who earns $2 million a year, was unfazed by\ Young's assault and the loss of his $125,000 weekly paycheck. When he returned\ to practice, Williams said his lost salary was "money well spent. ... I\ wouldn't have missed [the birth] for anything in the world."
For many years, however, American men almost always missed births, says Dr.\ Martin Greenberg, author of "The Birth of a Father" (Avon, $5.95). To reduce\ the likelihood of infections, husbands were banned from delivery rooms after\ the medical industry took over childbirth from midwives in the late 1800s.
Things stayed that way until about 1960, when a few husbands, wives and\ pioneering obstetricians began bucking the system. In one memorable protest, a\ California man handcuffed himself to his wife to ensure that he'd see his child\ emerge into the world, Greenberg says.
Occasionally, things went wrong; a husband fainted or panicked during\ deliveries. But on the whole, studies quickly proved that husband-attended\ childbirths helped women relax (a key in healthy deliveries), and helped men\ feel closer to their families.
Fred Lapides of Stratford, Conn., can confirm that.
Lapides, 64, a retired college professor, wasn't permitted to attend the\ birth of his first two sons, now ages 30 and 27. As was the custom in the\ 1960s, while he stayed in a waiting room down the hall, his wife sweated and\ strained in the company of a few kind nurses she had never met before.
Lapides greeted his first child through a glass window, when a nurse held\ up the swaddled baby and mouthed the words, "It's a boy."
"Back then," Lapides admits, "being a father was something else to put on\ your social schedule." Now, however, Lapides is the primary caretaker of two\ young children borne by his second wife, Madlyn. He was there for both\ deliveries, which he describes as "sacred experiences" between him and his\ wife.
He's also practical about childbirth, saying, "If raising a child is\ something a man and woman do together, it seems only natural that they'd start\ it together, too."
Madlyn Lapides says her husband's presence was crucial. "He was someone I\ could trust. He was my advocate. When things got particularly hard, I was able\ to look at him and remember why I was going through all this."
The couple did not videotape or photograph the births, she says, which\ makes their shared memories even more important. "The stories we tell, we'll\ have forever."
Lineman David Williams will have his stories too. And his wife and son will\ always remember the financial and professional risks he took to be there with\ them. How long will anybody remember - or care - who won the Oilers game?
MALE CALL
Men: What was it like to attend the birth of your child? Women: What was the significance of having your husband or partner present?
Send responses, comments and questions to the Men's Column, in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke 24010. Universal Press Syndicate
by CNB