Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, November 1, 1993 TAG: 9311020245
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By JOE KENNEDY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
It is the belief, common among parents who have stayed home with their young children, that it's all right to go back to work once those children reach sixth-grade or junior-high-school age.
``If you don't have to do it, don't do it,'' Trompeter, judge of the Juvenile and Domestic Relations court in Roanoke, last week told an audience at the Parent-Child Seminar of the Mental Health Association of Roanoke Valley.
It would be better, he said, for the parent, who is usually the mother, to go to work soon after having her baby, and return to the role of homemaker when the child reaches the sixth grade.
If that's not possible, parents at least should see that their pre-adolescent children are supervised by baby sitters rather than allow them to be at home alone after school.
Those, he said, are the hours when unsupervised pre-adolescent and adolescent children are most likely to experiment with sex, drugs, alcohol and other high-risk activities. With the move toward middle schools, which serve the sixth, seventh and eighth grades, pre-adolescents already are exposed to what Trompeter called ``pre-adult behaviors.'' He said he is opposed to placing sixth-graders in what used to be the junior high school setting.
Trompeter spoke at two sessions of the seminar, one on children and their experiences in a stress-filled society and the other on the community's response to their stress. Saying he was not a clinician or child-care specialist, he spoke as a parent and a judge, mixing courtroom observations with those from his life.
The crux of his message had three parts: Don't sweat the small stuff with your kids; don't hesitate to get professional help when a family problem arises; and always listen to your children and let them know you love them.
In his court, Trompeter deals not only with youngsters who have run afoul of society's rules but also, and in greater numbers, with adults who have abused or neglected their children or others, and with couples who are trying to resolve child custody issues in times of separation and divorce.
It is, he said, ``the most important court in the land.'' It serves as ``the true buck-stopper for youth and families.''
Last May, Trompeter received the first Tipper Gore Remember the Children Award for his activities on behalf of the young, including his work to bring the Court Appointed Special Advocate program to Western Virginia. It pairs trained volunteers with children who have been removed from their homes. The volunteers shepherd the children through the court and social service systems as resolutions of the situations - either returning home or severing the parents' ties so they can find permanent placement - are sought.
Trompeter also spearheaded a task force whose work led to a restructuring of the delivery of services to children and adolescents, and has tackled many other youth issues.
Daily, he faces problems that many would find shocking, including child abuse and neglect, which he described as ``the ultimate horror in our society.''
Of ten, at the end of the day, he thinks he has seen it all, only to return the next morning and encounter something that tops everything else.
Some of his observations brought gasps from his listeners. Trompeter said the average boy begins experimenting with alcohol at age 11; the average girl at 12. One in five people treated for alcoholism in this area last year was between the ages of 13 and 17. And far too many parents are contributing to the problem either by exhibiting behavior that encourages drinking or by allowing their teen-agers to drink at home, apparently believing that to be a common-sense response to the threat of drinking and driving.
Trompeter strongly disagreed, saying to the parents before him, ``I will put you in jail for it.''
Young people face pressure to use alcohol and drugs not from evil strangers on the corner but from their friends and parents, he said. He is amazed by the number of teen parties, especially in Roanoke County, where alcohol is served with the parents' knowledge.
He is amazed when he hears parents say of their child, ``At least he's not on drugs. He's only using alcohol.''
Alcohol is the drug of choice for teens. Paired with the automobile, it is the No. 1 cause of injury and death among ages 15 to 23.
Trompeter said he understands why parents sometimes grow lax when their children reach junior high school. The kids begin to look like adults and begin to think abstractly, as adults do. The parents, meantime, have become ``so darn tired'' of dealing with their children that they welcome their pleas for more freedom.
``Don't believe everything you see - not one thing,'' the judge warned. The youths need freedom, but they also need structure. In fact, they want it, whether they say so or not.
Parents need to make time for their children and their children's friends. They should speak to them, invite them to their home and really get to know them.
They need to know that even a trip to a shopping mall is not always innocuous. A mall, he said, can be a place to experiment sexually and to indulge in The Stealing Game, in which one friend dares another to take an item. It's the No. 1 problem of the youths who appear in his court, he said.
He also spoke of the subtleties of parenthood - the small, everyday things that parents can do to keep communicating with their children, starting from their birth.
Kids are under tremendous stress from all sides, he said, ranging from pressures on the school bus or in the school cafeteria to severe abuse and neglect at home.
There are 215 children in foster care in the city of Roanoke, mostly because they've been abused and neglected. Removal from the home, even a dysfunctional home, can cause a loss of attachment to the parents, Trompeter said. If the family is not reunited, or if the child does not find a home with other loving adults, he or she will ``disintegrate before your eyes.''
Effects may include short-term memory loss, learning disabilities, emotion al disturbances and severe guilt, which causes them to misbehave. Children don't say what's bothering them, he said. They act it out. Parents must be attuned to this.
Every child needs a strongly supportive adult.
In junior high school, peer pressure causes kids to worry about the physical changes they're experiencing, their popularity, the clothes they wear and whether to drink alcohol or not.
It is, he said, ``the most un-carefree time of life that I can think of in a child's development,'' rife with worries about things that parents consider stupid. Do not trivialize their concerns, he advised.
In high school, those anxieties continue, and are joined by boredom - it's normal - and other worries.
Roanoke Juvenile and Domestic Relations Judge Philip Trompeter offered the following tips for parents who want to help their children avoid the typical pitfalls.
``Listen carefully to your child's issues. Talk about their day.'' Pay attention not just to words, but to their actions and other clues.
Remember that a child's problem encompasses his universe, even if it seems small to you.
``Grant all reasonable requests.'' Don't egotistically refuse them the things they want, just to show you're the boss. Be a loving, caring parent.
Get to know their friends and spend lots of time with them.
Remember that screaming at a child and reducing his or her spirit is a form of serious child abuse.
Do not leave your children with people you do not know well.
If there's a problem in the family, let the teacher know about it. It will help her do her job.
Tell your children you love them.
Do not let your child be bullied by others. If it's happening at school, intervene. Speak to the counselor. If you're hesitant, remember what the bully is learning from his actions - that intimidation and violence pay.
Make sure your middle school and high school children are supervised after school if you're at work, or stay home with them.
Do not think that the Drug Abuse Resistance Education your children receive will vaccinate them against alcohol or drug use. A continuum of intervention is needed.
If you are unable to seize your child's driver's license for some misbehavior, call him and he will do it. ``I get paid to be the bad guy,'' he said.
Set limits and stick to them.
Remember that you weren't perfect.
Get involved at your child's school, either by attending PTA meetings or volunteering.
Get family counseling for any problems. It's ``an extraordinary discipline . . . It really can work.''
Recognize that it is normal for parents to feel overwhelmed. Get help if you need it from support groups, parenting seminars or family counselors. ``It's no sin to need the help, but it's a sin not to get it if it's available.''
by CNB