Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, November 4, 1993 TAG: 9311040035
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: beth macy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I am consistently seven minutes late for every appointment I have - whether I set my watch seven minutes ahead or not.
I never feel like weeding the garden till fall arrives.
And the minute I start to utter - or even think - something bad about someone, there they are heading smack toward me, all smiles and goodness.
And so I really shouldn't be surprised by what I read recently in the sixth-month chapter of the pregnancy bible, "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Under the category, What You May Be Feeling, the book actually states that most women will begin to experience "fewer mood swings" at this stage of the pregnancy.
I have to laugh at this. Because if I don't laugh, I may well have to cry.
I won't sob, mind you, the way I did the other day when I was driving down the road listening to my Tim and Mollie O'Brien cassette. Their harmonic version of the Grateful Dead folk song, "Samson and Delilah," sent off a torrential downpour inside my car - and I wasn't even listening to the words.
My co-workers have watched me fly into a quasi-rage at the mere suggestion of editing my newspaper copy.
It's a major triumph to get through an entire episode of "The Young and The Restless" without getting weepy.
And don't even ask about last weekend's Roberta Flack concert with the Roanoke Symphony Orchestra. When she introduced the song, "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" - the first song my husband and I ever slow-danced to - I didn't just cry, I blubbered.
And to think, I used to believe PMS was bad.
Luckily, my husband is a smart man. And luckily he's been able to sift through the avalanche of advice people have given us, concentrating on the immortal words of our friend Dave, whose first child just recently turned 1.
Dave told him, "Whatever you do during the pregnancy, just remember: She's always right."
I love Dave.
Pregnancy is a special time. You can get away with things you normally can't - like asking your mate to come all the way upstairs to hand you the bath oil from the top shelf of the shower when you're soaking right below it in the tub.
You just have to learn to choose your demands, according to my husband, who scolded me early on in the pregnancy for asking for both ice water and a back rub - at the same time.
A buddy of his recently gave him a copy of the men's pregnancy bible. Called "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding," it's a perfect parody of "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I like it because it's not only funny, it's real. The month-by- month section in the original book, called "What You May Be Feeling," is replaced in the parody with the month-by-month section, "What Your Wife Will Be Complaining About." Sixth-month chapter entries include:
That food cravings are your body's way of telling you what nutrients it needs, so there must be something necessary in chocolate.
People stealing the name she wanted to use, and now she can't possibly use it because every other baby has it and the whole point was that she didn't want a trendy name.
Emotional highs and lows, fear, ecstasy, anxiety and elation, often all at the same time.
This last one goes a long way toward explaining why some days the only one I'm fit to be around is my dog, Scooter.
He doesn't freak out at all when I cry at "Y&R."
He doesn't offer unsolicited advice, telling me that no, I really don't want to know the baby's gender, when I know that I really do.
He doesn't even mind if I rock him in my lap, pretending he's the baby.
When you think about it, he's really the perfect companion for a woman who's sixth months pregnant.
If I could train him to give back rubs and fetch me some ice water - at the same time - I think I'd really have it made.
Beth Macy, a features department staff writer who also considers "continued absentmindedness" an apt pregnancy trait, pulled out in front of a Mack truck the other day. Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB