Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, November 8, 1993 TAG: 9311090039
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By AN ADDICT'S MOTHER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
But for a few seconds my heart stopped - the description of the unidentified intruder fit my son, who for years has supported his addiction by stealing from others.
I could relax again only when I realized that it couldn't have been my 22-year-old son. I had spoken to him since the shooting. But I knew deep in my heart that one day it might be him.
Most often, though, my son's victims have been those closest to him. While he was visiting in August he stole our money and VCR to buy crack cocaine.
Even though he had stolen from us many times before, my husband and I had dared to trust him again. He had just spent 14 months in a drug treatment program during which he apparently stayed clean, graduated in the top 10 of his class of 250 and was elected class president.
He was scheduled to return to the re-entry phase of the program the day after we discovered the money and VCR missing.
I was heartbroken at this turn of events. But I was also grateful that six years ago I had walked into my first Al-Anon meeting.
Six years ago I was at the end of my rope, devastated that my son had been kicked out of a treatment program that I was certain would cure him and solve all the family problems caused by his addiction.
When they discharged him, the counselors told my son to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. And - again - they told me to go to Al-Anon, a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics and who believe their lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. I don't know how many times I had been told to try this self-help recovery program, or by how many people. But my son was a drug addict, not an alcoholic, so I didn't think they were talking to me.
The treatment staff helped me see that he was addicted to getting high and would use whatever drug or alcohol he could to get there. Understanding this, I now felt "qualified" to attend Al-Anon.
But I finally went because I was desperate.
Ever since Gordon (not his real name) had started smoking marijuana and drinking at age 12 I had done everything I could think of, and everything suggested to me to make him stop.
None of it worked. In Al-Anon I learned why. I was told, "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. But you can contribute to it."
I had come to Al-Anon to find a way to cure my son, and these people were telling me that I couldn't. But I kept coming back because I found a warm welcome, hope and an understanding that I had never found anywhere else.
Many of these people still were living with an active alcoholic. They should have been as miserable as I was, but instead they were happy and laughing. I wanted what they had and I was desperate enough to try anything they suggested.
I began to sleep at night. And eventually, I was able to give up the ulcer medicine I had taken for years.
I learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested but not cured. There is only a reprieve, one day at a time. I learned it's a family disease with those closest to the alcoholic affected the most.
I didn't believe my son was sick and neither did he. I thought it was a behavior problem. He was obsessed with getting high. I was obsessed with making him stop. My anxiety over what had happened or would happen next dominated my life and literally made me sick.
At the treatment center I had heard about a study by a major health insurance company to determine which groups filed the most claims. They found only one group filed more claims than alcoholics - the families of alcoholics.
"Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." That sentence from Al-Anon's suggested welcome described me perfectly, but it was months before I could admit it.
For years my solution was to try to force the harshest consequences on my son so he'd see that the drinking and drugs weren't worth it. The only way to do this was to manipulate everyone around him into doing what I thought needed to be done. It never worked, but I nearly drove myself crazy trying.
It was true that he needed to hit bottom before he would be motivated to find help. But there was nothing I could do to make that happen. Only when I finally gave up trying did he find help.
Meanwhile, in Al-Anon, I learned to deal with my denial, my obsession, my guilt, my anger, my fear, my anxiety. When my son relapsed in August I was much better prepared to deal with it; I didn't go crazy, I went to more Al-Anon meetings.
If your life has been affected by someone else's drinking, past or present, I invite you to try Al-Anon (or Alateen for kids affected by someone else's drinking). In the Roanoke District there are 30 meetings a week. It's anonymous, confidential and free.
In keeping with Al-Anon's tradition of anonymity, the author has requested to remain anonymous and has not used real names in this story.
AL-ANON IS IT FOR YOU?
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following 20 questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2. Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4. Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
5. Do you think that the drinker's behavior is caused by his or her companions?
6. Are routines frequently upset or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7. Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you?"
8. When you kiss the drinker hello, do you secretly try to smell his or her breath?
9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11. Does it seem as if every holiday is spoiled because of drinking?
12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13. Do you find yourself searching for hidden liquor?
14. Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16. Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19. Do you feel angry, confused and depressed most of the time?
20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.* *Reprinted by permission from Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters.
HOW TO FIND AN AL-ANON MEETING: Call 985-5884 in Roanoke or the counties of Bedford, Botetourt, Franklin and Roanoke. Check your phone directory or call Al-Anon's World Service Office at (800) 344-2666 for information on meetings anywhere else in the United States.
by CNB