Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, November 8, 1993                   TAG: 9311110465
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BENNIE'S POLITICAL PURSUITS ARE JUST A GAME

It was kind of fun reading about how these guys were going to save civilization and set this great commonwealth on the path it should travel.

It really got me to thinking. I can tell you that. As a result, I invented this little game called Where-Have-You-Heard-That-Before?

I miss it. We'd lay a small fire in the woodstove, get out all the political mail and have a really good time. I won the last time by going back to 1964 for the right answer.

I may market this game for the next election. Since I am on in years and already fabulously wealthy, I will donate all of the proceeds to the state to be used to help build more prisons when parole is no longer allowed.

You younger guys know who'll get up the rest of the money that's needed.

But to return to the mail that no longer comes, I will tell you now that there are some masochistic voters in this state who actually enjoy the pictures candiates send out just before Election Day. Don't get me wrong here. I'm personally not that weird.

The typical picture of a candidate and his family shows a group of people who have been to the family orthodontist and know a thing or two when it comes to smiling.

The women involved, regardless of party, all tend to look a little like Hillary Clinton fresh from her hairstylist.

If you've got a gap in your teeth like I have, forget about politics, pal. And remember, fat people can't get elected in this country anymore.

Anyway, one of the main reasons I miss the political stuff is that the mail is tending to get serious again.

Four hours after I voted last week, the car insurance premium notice came in the mail. And this means the quarterly water/sewer bill is coming and Christmas is not that far away.

You can get a few laughs out of reading how this joker is going to rid the state of crime, but there's nothing funny about a car insurance premium. Let me just say here that I have never seen anybody just dying from giggling while reading a water/sewer bill.

Even those of us who might consider a felon's life to pay the above bills, would like to see crime abolished and we hope somebody can convince the criminals that this is the right thing to do.

But good Virginians know that this is not very likely outside this marvelous fiction we read in campaign literature.

But things will look up again in the mailbox. This is because Virginia is a state that has an election just about every 30 minutes, That's why our voting machines never get rusty.

I wish I could tell you what the next one will be about, but at my age, you can get confused pretty easy.

In the meantime, let's have this harmless little post-election bet. The minute I hear that crime has been abolished, I will bungee-jump nude from the Wasena bridge.

Without a cord.