Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, November 16, 1993 TAG: 9311160109
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chetnik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
This reader's situation may sound like a topic for the next "Geraldo," but it's not uncommon. That's because in the late 1960s, gay men who wanted to be accepted in our society had to strictly abide by its rules: get married, have children, and suppress sexual desires that don't conform to the norm.
Many gay men did exactly that. Now, however, with their children grown, middle age upon them and a vast support network available, some gay husbands are finally coming out to themselves and their families. For their wives, it's usually a crushing blow.
That's the message from the many husbands and wives who responded to the above letter after I published it at the end of a recent column. Here are some excerpts from those letters, edited for length and clarity:
TIM, EAST LANSING, MICH.: As a man who was once married for six years, and has now lived with a man for 16 years, I can respond to your reader. Gay men are the socially acceptable target in our society. To protect himself, her husband chose to hide in the guise of a straight marriage (his wife is known to some of us as a "beard," which is to say a disguise). The saddest aspect of the entire experience is that this woman has invested herself in a life that has a lie as its core. It's also sad that a gay man should have to invest so much of his life in carrying out the lie.
DAN, PARMA, OHIO: I too am a gay husband and father. Unlike her husband, I have not come out to anyone, and the stress is something I must cope with every day. I have chosen to remain in my admittedly strained marriage out of love for my family, including my wife. I can tell her only that her husband loves her and their children, and that it is not her fault. The pressure to conform to the traditional "Mom, Pop and the kids" lifestyle is unimaginable.
TRICIA, JACKSONVILLE, ARK.: I cannot tell her how such a thing can happen, but I can tell her she is not alone. I, too, was married for 27 years to a man who prefers men. He is the father of two beautiful children, an outstanding community leader, a hard worker and even a church leader. However, when I discovered the truth, I walked out and left him with everything.
My main advice to this very hurt lady is: Don't get bitter! Recriminations, accusations and bitterness will not help. She should be open about her situation with close friends. She should know that others have come through this very painful circumstance, and she will too.
BETTY, CLEVELAND, OHIO: I am a woman, 47 years old, married for 25 years with one beautiful daughter. I have just come to the same conclusion as her husband: I want to be with women. It's not a sudden decision. I arrived at it after months of agony. I felt these feelings in college in the 1960s, but I was not brave enough to face what I would have had to face then.
I may have gone on forever in this mode, but this year, my husband and I began having marital problems. I turned to a close woman friend during this time and woke up one morning in shock when I realized that I didn't just love her, I was in love with her. It probably won't help the letter-writer, but please know that your husband is in pain too. And probably has been for a very long time.
MENTION
For more information about gay-straight relationships, write to the Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, 1012 14th St. N.W., Suite 700, Washington, D.C. 20005.
MALE CALL
Men and women: For an upcoming column, I'm collecting nominations for Man of the Year, 1993. Send your nominees, or other comments and questions, to "VoiceMale," P.O. Box 8071, Lexington, Ky. 40533-8071.
by CNB