Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, December 1, 1993 TAG: 9312010352
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Yeah. Right, Jeane. Just when I was going to run away with this 34-year-old bombshell named Helga. Sure.
Jeane and the bathroom misfortune drove me over the edge, and I decided to try to pay the plumber by writing a modern-day Walton-type series.
This series, tentatively titled ``The Dellarobias,'' is about an urban family that isn't particularly loving.
The star is Bennie-Boy Dellarobia, who wants to be a talk show host when he grows up. I'm not in the casting business, but I think John Travolta would do nicely here.
Big Bennie is the father of the family. He is always in ``financial pinches,'' Jeane Dixon aside.
He is in the computer business, and many hard hours of watching ``data base error'' flash up on the screen have made him a bitter man. He hates the idea of his son having a television show on which various perversions are shown daily.
I somehow see Charlton Heston in this role. I'm not an admirer of old Charlton, but this part begs for a man who knows how to grimace.
There is a sister, Brigitte. She is a pushy little baggage who wears her underwear on the outside. You can guess who should play this part.
Fern Dellarobia, the mother, has to be played by Terri Garr. She is a good-looking clothes horse who has never spent 30 minutes in the kitchen, except to wash out her fancy undies in the sink. She is always ``having lunch with the girls,'' and she shows a lot of cleavage most of the time.
Lastly, there is Grandma Dellarobia, who does the cooking and cleans the house. She smokes unfiltered Camels, has a little shooter every now and then and talks dirty.
She hates Fern and the daughter who wears her underwear on the outside. Sounds to me like a natural for Roseanne Arnold.
Sorry about the small cast. But we don't have a lot of money. Neither do the Dellarobias. They have one car, a 1984 Escort, and they eat a lot of Hamburger Helper.
I am also sorry that we don't have the kind of payroll that would allow these people to say goodnight to each other for long periods of time. They are not the types to do that anyway.
I'll get back to you as soon as I get the first episode mapped out, but Ican tell you that it will entail Bennie-Boy going off in the snow on Christmas Eve to find his sister, who should have been home hours before.
The Dellarobias really wouldn't care what time she got home, but she is supposed to be Christmas shopping for the whole family.
Bennie-Boy finds her just as a cop is about haul her in for making an obscene gesture that she learned from Grandma. All of you Madonna/Roseanne fans will know what this gesture was.
The show closes with a scene in which the gifts Brigitte has are opened. She got underwear for everybody - including a torpedo bra for Grandma.
by CNB