Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, December 6, 1993 TAG: 9401150012
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A9 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Monty S. Leitch
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
But I'm expecting my elves any day now.
Yessirree. Monty's Little Helpers, in from the North Pole, ready to jump at my beck and call, eager to hurry and scurry, willing to scamper around with purposeful glee, happy to take care of all the little details of hustle-and-bustle that mark the holiday season.
Any day now.
Snow fences are up, as I'm sure you've noticed.
They stand guard over the tops of dangerous hills, just daring drifts to drift across the road.
Assuming it ever snows.
Some places they work. Some places they don't. We found that out during last spring's blizzard when we couldn't get to Christiansburg for two days.
Snow shovels, of course, always work. But they're slow; they're tedious; they promote back-ache, sweat and blisters.
Every year I hear someone say, "I hope we don't have any snow this winter. Except at Christmas. I really want snow for Christmas."
That's pretty short-sighted, if you ask me. The schools are already closed then.
Did you know that people who want to be elves at Macy's in New York must fill out 10-page applications? Pass drug tests? Fit into tiny green velvet costumes?
It's much, much simpler here. Three questions: Can you hurry? Can you scurry? Can you do it here?
No costumes, and I don't much care what makes you hurry and scurry, as long as you get the job done.
Which will involve, I sincerely hope, shoveling snow. Lots and lots of snow.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that every American consumes an average of 59 pounds of fat per year.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture does not report whether 90 percent of total fat consumption takes place between the last Thursday in November and December 25 of any given year, but that would be my guess.
No amount of hurrying and scurrying seems to help this situation, either. In fact, I think it promotes fat consumption: a bite of fruitcake on the way out the door, a nibble of cheese from the samples in the grocery store, a doughnut in the car, a handful of nuts and a cup of eggnog while trimming the tree, a Double Bacon Cheeseburger with fries in the middle of the afternoon, to keep up the strength while shopping.
Who's going to hurry and scurry those calories out of the system? Nobody. It would be a massive undertaking.
So I might as well get my elves, don't you think? The order is in. I'm just waiting.
Any day now.
Federal Express.
UPS.
Amtrak.
I don't care. Just please, please get here. There's only 19 more days!
\ Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times & World-News columnist.
by CNB