
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, December 12, 1993                   TAG: 9402180008
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: B3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: H. ODELL "FUZZY" MINNIX
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE VIEW FROM 2015

IT IS now the year of our Lord 2015 and life in the United States has evolved into almost certain Utopia. Members of the U.S. House and Senate have finally won the battle over the evil gun-lobby - and all those nuts who thought there was some kind of guarantee to bear arms in the Constitution have finally been brought to their knees.

This great victory could never have been achieved without the help of the big-name representatives, senators and mayors from California and New York. In fact, in the year 2007 one famous lady senator from the Left Coast tied herself to the muzzle of a cannon and threatened to pull the trigger "if people don't stop this senseless slaughter."

In the ensuing years to date, more than 3.5 million innocent Americans were killed by criminals with guns, but Congress took great pride in the fact that not one law-abiding citizen owned a gun of any sort. Left Coast Sen. Pink Oh stated, "The law must be obeyed at all costs if the Union is to be preserved." Echoing those sentiments was New York Democratic Rep. Well Fare: "We are very concerned about the loss of life; we need to hire another 3 million policemen immediately."

One 85-year-old senator from a well-respected Massachusetts family stated for the record, "We must take away all guns and give every citizen a job, even if the government has to supply the job. Therefore I suggest we raise taxes immediately." This senator, you see, thinks there are no bad people in the world, just unemployed ones.

At last it seemed we would finally live as one, and violence would be a faded memory, when suddenly ... tragedy struck! Reports began to pour in from all over - people were being killed and maimed for life by baseball bats. There were reports of drive-by battings, accidental bludgeonings by children who didn't know the proper use of a bat, bats carelessly left where young people could get them, and bats found in students' lockers in high schools all over the nation.

It was reported that one Florida man had used a sawed-off, 32-ounce Louisville slugger to kill six members of his family. When asked why, the man reported being very upset because his welfare check was late that month and the Dolphins had lost to Tampa Bay. The defendant also stated that he was depressed because he had spent the previous week in northern Florida and had heard English spoken twice.

Twelfth District Circuit Judge I. Lettem Allgo said, "The defendant does not appear to be a threat to society," and released him on his own recognizance pending a background study.

Congress immediately set out to right the situation but faced fierce opposition from the NBA (National Bat Association). The NBA stated publicly that bats were primarily used for sport and protection. A spokesman for the NBA was heard to say, "Bats don't kill people, people kill people. If bats are outlawed, then only outlaws will have bats." One California senator urged that all bats be placed under the control of the federal government and higher taxes be placed on them immediately.

Both the House and Senate began to churn out one bill after another. There were to be no small bats that could be concealed on one's person. Little League bats were out; they were considered Saturday-night specials. Also outlawed were sawed-off bats that could be carried under one's coat. There was to be a complete ban on the assault bat. The assault bat is a regular bat altered by sawing the bat in half and reconnecting it with a large spring that allows the user to strike several blows with one swing.

Washington lawmakers are rapidly closing in on the problem, and it is predicted that in a matter of days the bat will be a thing of the past for law-abiding citizens. They will still be allowed for professional sports teams, but several federal agencies must be set up to monitor and guard against bats falling into the wrong hands. Legislators estimate the cost will be in excess of $3 billion.

Ah, peace at last. But all is not as perfect as it might seem. Last night in New York City, this reporter overheard two Mafia types outside a warehouse in Queens talking about a new and devastating way to use feathers as a deadly weapon. It seems that the victim is strapped to a table and a feather is used to tickle various parts of the anatomy in such a way that the individual finally succumbs to cardiac arrest. In short, he literally laughs himself to death.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, don't breathe a word of this. If Washington finds out, there won't be a chicken safe anywhere in the world.

\ H. Odell "Fuzzy" Minnix is chairman of the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors.

by CNB