
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, December 22, 1993                   TAG: 9312240205
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DON'T BOTHER TO ASK ME ABOUT CHRISTMAS

OK. I'm ready for Christmas. Has the entire civilized world got that? Ready. Yes. The whole thing. Santa Claus, jingling bells, chestnuts roasting and angels singing over the plain - at least I think that's where angels are supposed to sing.

I know that it's traditional for people to ask whether you're ready for Christmas. It's even nice up to a point. Weaker persons, however, tend to snap after they hear the same question 24 times.

I'm a weaker person. I haven't snapped yet, but I don't know when I might. That's the way weaker persons are.

We are, for example, liable to get too much eggnog at Aunt Zelda's and tell her the gloves she gave us last Christmas fell apart by Jan. 23 - that she ought to get something less El Cheapo this year.

You can be shopping for greenery on the City Market when you lose it and insult a kindly merchant you have known for years:

``You see that wreath over there, Buster? The one with the running cedar and the holly berries in it? Ask me that one more time, Pilgrim, and you'll be wearing it like a turtleneck.''

That kind of thing does little for your reputation in the community.

What started all of this anyway? Think about it. Did anybody ever ask you if you were ready for Easter? Or the Fourth of July? Or Labor Day? Or Whitsuntide?

Because I am a mild, thoroughly likable and gentle person, I have never said what I have always wanted to say in answer to the C question. I would like to say:

``Not really. You see, we both seem to be ill and way over budget on heating oil. Our dog Millie has lost most of her hair again and is on prednisone, and the other dog Skeeter, who always was insane, is now so old he needs a wheelchair, which we can't afford because the washing machine broke down.

``One bright spot is that Judy the cat has stopped throwing up since she had a portion of her thyroid removed . We thought we saw Tiny Tim on his crutch in the yard last night.

``Thanks for asking and don't ruin your Christmas thinking about how miserable and unready we are.''

And I'll tell you something else, pal: If you ain't ready by now, forget it.

by CNB