Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, March 23, 1994                   TAG: 9403240007
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Benv Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SHE HAS CBS, EVERYONE ELSE ON THEIR KNEES

Breathes there a man or woman with soul so dead as not to remember Tonya's tear-stained face as she faced old Connie and denied having anything to do with the whacking of poor Nancy?

Well, Connie, you win some and you lose some. I'll cry for you on demand, too. Just give me a call sometime, and I'll lie and say, yes, I really did have an unholy assignation with Kim Basinger at the Best Western in Radford.

Speaking of crying, have you noticed that Dan Rather is getting sadder and sadder and looks like he's going to cry his heart out any minute? Too bad. And he looks so masculine and really swell in a safari jacket.

But back to Tonya: While old Nancy has been reluctantly getting it on with Mickey Mouse, there has been speculation that Tonya may get into one of those ice show things, which are kind of like a circus except elephants can't stand up on all that ice.

Boy, can't you see that? Tonya - having done all the community service the judge ordered - comes firing on the ice in a spangled costume, skating backwards as pretty as you please, her skates laced up firmly.

The only trouble is that the show has all these production numbers with all of these chorus-girl type skaters with great legs and, well, er, ah, um, let's not get into that, Lamont.

The skater the third from the left is better-looking than Tonya and can also skate backwards a lot better. And she has better legs and other attributes, and Tonya gets jealous.

So, during the finale, Tonya skates straight into this young woman and executes a lovely cross-body block that obviously is designed to ruin the knees of the other skater

But the other skater, who strongly resembles Sigourney Weaver, bends her knees and takes the block like we were taught to do at Radford High School.

Tonya has sore ribs, and her participation in the Annual Pipe-Whacking Games is in doubt because of her conduct. The Pipe-Whacking Board says it will consider Tonya's behavior at a meeting in 2001.

Meanwhile, a federal grand jury, which gets into the case because Tonya is now in interstate commerce, indicts her for assault.

Tonya finds that Connie isn't taking any calls, and a jury convicts her of assault.

The judge sentences her to skate better.