Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, March 29, 1994 TAG: 9403290128
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Mort from Madison, Wis., wrote in that my ``victimologic whining'' was unbecoming, and added that any bias against fathers was men's fault anyway.
``We men have excluded ourselves from full parenting responsibility for so long and in so many insidious and flagrant ways that women are angry and cynical about our desires to be directly involved in the lives of our children,'' he wrote. ``Discrimination against us won't change unless and until we deserve it.''
Roland from Waunakee, Wis., accused me of ``oversensitivity'' for noticing that fathers get more unsolicited advice than mothers when they're with their children. ``If you are so frightened of criticism, so fearful that your male self-esteem is threatened by the other half of the species, then maybe you shouldn't have become a parent in the first place,'' he admonished.
Then, apparently trying to account for my lapse of mental toughness, he added: ``Well, maybe you haven't been getting enough sleep.''
Women readers, meanwhile, were not nearly as ``angry and cynical'' as Mort had suspected. In fact, perhaps because they've experienced lots of discrimination, women tended to empathize with what I was reporting. Many, in fact, said they'd witnessed bias against fathers.
Mary of Ames, Iowa, wrote to say that a newspaper in a town where she once lived routinely published photos of new babies with their mothers. When Mary and her husband were expecting, they decided they wanted a father-baby photo. ``The last thing I wanted to do after birth was to have my picture taken,'' Mary explained.
When Mary made this request, the newspaper editors refused. ``We were told, `That's not the way it's done,''' Mary wrote. ``We then suggested that they print a picture of the three of us. We were again refused.'' Mary and her family eventually gave up on any baby-photo idea.
Sharyn of Utica, Mich., a new parent herself, says she's seen plenty of subtle discrimination against men. She's heard fathers described as ``baby sitters'' of their own children. And, while she says she gets unsolicited advice when she's in public, the comments her husband receives have a different tone.
``Yesterday, my husband took our son out shopping while I was at work,'' Sharyn wrote. ``While walking around, a woman came up and asked him: `Is that your baby?' My husband wanted to say he had stolen him out of a shopping cart, but he resisted the temptation.''
A few women wrote in to say that they've seen mothers inadvertently push their husbands away from child-rearing duties. ``In one couple we know, the mother complained that the father never helped with the baby,'' wrote Celeste of Westland, Mich. ``But whenever he tried to do anything, she was all over him with criticisms. Needless to say, he soon stopped trying.''
While that was sad to hear, the overall reader response makes me believe we're headed in the right direction. Women are recognizing that men must overcome significant cultural barriers to become involved fathers. And men are realizing that if they're going to be active fathers, they can't afford to let a few obstacles - or a columnist's crankiness - stand in the way.
Men-tion
About 500,000 men currently stay at home with their children while their wives work, according to U.S. government statistics. There also are more than 1 million single fathers raising children in their homes.
Male call
Men and women: If you are divorced and successfully raising your children with an ex-spouse, how are you doing it? Do you have some tips for others? Send responses and comments to The Men's Column, in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va,. 24010-2491.
by CNB