Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, September 26, 1994                   TAG: 9411090010
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THEY WASTED POSTAGE ON THIS OLD DUDE

"Dear Member-Elect:

"I think I know something about you.

"You have above-average intelligence and a wide range of interests.

"You work hard - you're always on the go.

"And, alas, you have little time for relaxing - but when you wind down, you like your entertainment to be intellectually stimulating."

I'm flattered, of course, but can this be Old Bennie, who falls asleep during anything that happens after 7:30 p.m.?

As for intelligence, I wonder where the circulation director for the magazine - and the writer of the above - was when I went to the hardware store and acted smart and didn't ask anybody and brought home a tube of black caulking.

It probably takes somebody with above-average intelligence to figure out what to do with a tube of black caulking - unless it's Halloween or something.

As for wide-ranging interests, my main concern at the moment is this humongous spider bite I got while painting the exterior downstairs windows. It itches horribly. No, you prurient people, you, I'm not going to tell you where the spider bit me. Really!

The circulation director is right about work habits. And I am always on the go - mainly to the hardware store to buy tubes of white caulking.

I was on the go recently - to the hardware store, where else? - and I had a little trouble with the concept behind the use of this turnbuckle this very kind man sold me. I acted like I understood it. Hey, don't worry. When I use it to reinforce this bed we inherited, I'll get my son to understand it.

I'm afraid I don't go in for a lot of "intellectually stimulating" stuff. I doubt that the circulation director knows that I've been trying to read "Bleak House" for 40 years and haven't got much past page 100.

I'm sure the current members of the Smithsonian National Associates - which I would get to join if I paid 11 bucks for the magazine - would get a trifle edgy around a person who occasionally watches that gladiator show on the tube.

Really, I watch it because Larry Czonka - one of the great fullbacks of all time, along with Riggo - is on the show. Has nothing to do with those muscular young ladies who swing from rings and do other eccentric things. Honest.

To sum up here, Ms. Circulation Director, it would seem you wasted your postage on an elderly Bubba.