Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, September 29, 1994 TAG: 9409300002
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BETH MACY
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
They reminded me of my friends Bette and Evelyn, who can talk about Susan Sarandon's crow's-feet, how to date 21-year-old boys, bell-bottoms and lip enlargement - for hours - and make it all seem very interesting.
The key to good girl talk is to strike that perfect confidential tone. And let me tell you, girls, The Advice Ladies from Soho struck it at Hollins College last week.
Ad execs-turned-street-corner oracles, The Advice Ladies got the students to stand up among 150 of their closest friends and spill their guts: boyfriend problems, fashion faux pas, boyfriend problems, tattoos, boyfriend problems. ...
For six years now, the trio has drawn on their collective experience with life's problems, staking out a New York street corner and dispensing advice for the cost of a subway token. Now they're touring the college-campus circuit, writing a book and gearing up for a talk show.
Their sign at Hollins last week said: ``Topics include - love and dating, getting rid of your jerk, makeovers, wigs and beards, pet discipline and electrolysis.'' They touched on some of that, and much more, with a casual wit and surprising compassion (for New Yorkers, anyway). Here's how it went.
A student asked the perennial question: ``How do I get a guy to ask me out?'' Advice Lady Caroline Johnson suggested she start by asking a guy to do fun, casual things during the day, such as shopping or doing hobbies.
``I don't have any hobbies,'' the student said.
``Well, what do you do?'' Caroline asked.
``I smoke cigars.'' At which point the Ladies got really excited, telling the student about those trendy cigar-smoking conventions where you get to eat really good food and get drunk under the pretense of smoking very fine cigars.
``The right guy would really love you,'' adviser Amy Alkon told her.
Another student considering breast-reduction surgery asked for their advice. ``I'm considering that myself because I'm athletic and feel like I'm carrying around Samsonites, ya know?'' Amy said.
``We tell everyone to do everything to themselves - if that's what they want. Some people go through their entire lives with a nose they don't want,'' Caroline added, indignantly.
A student with a fledgling clown business revealed that she passed out 300 fliers recently around town, but the only response she received was from a 20-year-old frat boy at Washington & Lee, requesting her party services. ``I told him I do face painting, animal balloons and magic tricks.''
At the Ladies' request, the student described her outfit: a little-girl get-up, complete with white stockings and a crinoline. ``You need a big baggy one,'' adviser Marlowe Minnick said.
``Be careful - it could be Tailhook gang getting back together at Washington & Lee,'' Caroline warned, advising her to instead tap into the mommy circuit via area day-care centers.
A student weighed the virtues of dating a nice buttoned-down Southern gentleman vs. the deep, dark, dramatic, artsy type. ``I went through that phase,'' Marlowe said, referring to the latter. ``They're skinny, pale, a little hungry all the time and you think, `YEAH, isn't he wonderful?!' ''
These warning signs can pinpoint the potentially dangerous date, they said: unemployed, in rehab, makes you buy the dinner and drinks, disappears frequently and then resurfaces ``like a fish out of the lagoon only to whine that he's soooo depressed.''
``We recommend trying it so you can recognize the animal,'' Caroline suggested.
A student wondered whether she should get a tattoo and, if so, on what region of her body. Caroline suggested testing the waters with the stick-on variety, experimenting with positions.
``You can always cover up a tattoo with thick Dermablend and then spray hairspray on it so it doesn't stick to your nylons,'' offered Amy, the most practical of the three.
A student asked the Ladies if she should tell her girlfriend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. Unequivocally no, the trio said. ``It's very hard to influence other people's relationships. Your friends usually end up getting mad at you,'' Caroline said.
``We've considered making fliers to put up on telephone poles with pictures, saying, `Do you think you're his girlfriend? So do 10,000 other women.' ''
A woman from the community asked how to keep the spark going in her 28-year-old marriage. Stray from the routine, they said. Stop off at a motel while doing errands. Wear interesting wigs to give yourself black or platinum hair. Pretend to be other people and have a cheap and tawdry affair.
Get your husband romantic gifts that he really likes - and not just for anniversaries and birthdays. ``Celebrate your half-anniversary, or the first time you had sex,'' Caroline offered. Or kidnap him at work and whisk him away on a surprise trip.
``Don't discount the value of some really trampy underwear,'' she added. ``Black lace and bustiers can be great.''
Beth Macy, a features department staff writer and occasional Problem Lady columnist, fancies herself an advice-giver of sorts. If you have problems, write her at P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB