Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, January 4, 1994 TAG: 9401040019
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 6 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
A: The big problem is the set of expectations our culture places on men. Historically, husbands were supposed to protect and provide for their families. These days, they're also expected to be - and most want to be -involved and nurturing parents.
Marrying a woman with children means leaping headlong into those responsibilities, taking on all of them at once. It's too much for many men.
That's the message from the majority of men who responded to your question after I included it at the end of a recent column. But take heart: A sizable number of letter-writers said they'd love a relationship with a woman like you - if they could only find her.
Here are excerpts from the letters, some of which have been edited for length and clarity:
Marc F., Highland Park, Mich.: I'm single, 35 years old, never married and have no children. I believe I speak for most men who are turned off by single mothers with children. And the reason is because we don't want the hassle of having to deal with someone else's children.
There's the possibility of having to win over the children, and of having to deal with the mother's ex-lover or ex-husband. Also, you don't know if that single mother is interested in you just because she needs a father for her children. A lot of single mothers will tell you that they are not doing that, but I'm not so sure.
Peter O., Cleveland: My question to her is why are so many women turned off by single fathers? I earn a living well above the average, own my own home, keep myself well informed, and many people consider me quite the intellectual. Yet I have met single moms who have no interest in dating a single dad. Isn't that ironic? I think most people in our age group are not interested in single parents because they don't want ready-made families like the Brady Bunch.
Gerald E., Dearborn Heights, Mich.: Most men are not turned off by single mothers; they are just more careful about which single mothers they turn on. . . . Any good man with any decency is going to be very concerned about the future. In southeast Michigan, we live in a very unstable economic situation. Having a wife and two kids is a big responsibility. Many men have to work a lot of hours just to maintain our style of living. Would we have enough time and money to keep everybody happy?
Steve H., Jonesboro, Ark.: A man in this situation must deal with three personalities: you and your two children. Not only does he have to break ties with you should the relationship not work out, but with the children as well. At times, that break could be quite painful, especially if it's you who ends the affair. That can be very disheartening for the type of sensitive man you would have around your children. As we all try to find the right mate for ourselves, a situation like that could occur a couple of times a year.
Bill J., Little Rock, Ark.: I tell you I would give a week's paycheck to find this woman. I am 35, divorced, good-looking and well-built, and it's tough to find the right woman. My worst habit is that I am a die-hard bass fisherman. But the right woman will keep me at home. A good woman is hard to find.
\ MEN-TION\ NUMBER OF DIVORCES IN U.S.
1960 393,000
1970 708,000 1980 1,182,000
1990 1,175,000
Source: National Center for Health Statistics
\ Male call
Men and women: What are the key things to remember for someone marrying a man or woman who already has children? Send responses, comments and questions to The Men's Column, in care of the features department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.
by CNB