
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, January 24, 1994                   TAG: 9401220158
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

NOW THAT WE NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

Now that we no longer have to worry about an All-Texas Super Bowl - a football game that would have released enough egotism to seriously mar the national character - we can move on to other things.

The next thing I want to move on to is Gov. George Allen's proposal to put the people back in charge of Virginia.

I am not as Jeffersonian as the governor, and I have certainly never had breakfast at Monticello. I did have some peanut-butter and crackers once at the snack concession on the Little Mountain.

I also don't wear cowboy boots; not that I have anything against them. It's just that I have a tendency to turn my ankle when wearing high-heeled boots and falling down at very bad times - like at funerals and in front of the JC Penney store at the mall.

And any expert on gerontology will tell you that people my age should avoid falling down. I have done that a lot in my time, governor.

I was once the designated faller-downer for the County of Roanoke.

No kidding. I have become a legend in my own time. You won't believe it, but I once fell down behind a Jeep Cherokee in a graveyard. Not everybody can say that.

I find my L.L. Bean hunting boots to be much more stable, if not as romantic. You wouldn't want to buy them as inaugural souvenirs, but they are insulated and have these great soles and heels that prevent many normal people from falling down.

I thank you for trying to put me in charge, but I have to say that I don't want to be responsible for anything Virginia does or doesn't do.

You get nervous when you get to be my age, governor. A sudden change in the wind makes you edgy and the neighbor's dog scares you when you got before daylight to get the paper.

I've been around a long time, sir, and I've seen Virginia do odd things that I wouldn't want to be associated with - secession and stuff like that.

I don't want to seem to be a poor citizen. I vote and pay taxes and I know what the state motto means in English - I think. But I don't want to take the rap for Virginia.

I'm a patriot, governor; not one who likes to be in charge of anything. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall down when I'm in charge of anything.

The best of luck to your excellency, however. I understand this means that I won't get any appointments under your administration.

That's OK. I never really wanted to be a member of the State Seed Potato Board anyway.

by CNB