Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, February 22, 1994                   TAG: 9402220021
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR YOUR CHILDREN DON'T NECESSARILY MEAN YOU'RE SICK

A: Not at all. The feelings you're having are very common among fathers (and mothers, too). What's different in your case is that you are aware of your feelings, and psychologists say that's a very good signi

"The sexual impulses are not the problem; they are perfectly normal," says New York psychotherapist Miriam Ehrenberg. "What's unacceptable and highly destructive is acting on those impulses."

Ehrenberg, who specializes in family sexual dynamics, says both fathers and mothers often have erotic feelings toward their children. These are natural because their love and affection for their offspring is so powerful.

The important thing, she says, is for a parent to recognize if those feelings are getting out of control, and to stop before they turn to sexual activity. That may mean withdrawing oneself from a particular situation, or talking with a counselor or therapist.

But a father who permanently withdraws from his teen-age daughter also hurts her. Nicky Marone, author of "How to Father a Successful Daughter" (Fawcett, $4.95), says a girl entering puberty needs her father's approval to help her feel good about her budding sexuality.

"A father is usually the most important man in a girl's life," she says. "If he pulls away out of his own insecurity, she's going to blame herself. She's left wondering what's wrong with her."

As a result, she may feel unattractive or ashamed of her body, or she may look desperately to other males for approval, Marone says.

So how can a father meet his daughter's needs for attention, and at the same time maintain safe sexual boundaries?

Don Elium, a California therapist and co-author of a forthcoming book on raising daughters, says there are no clear rules for father-daughter relationships. But he and Ehrenberg offer these guidelines for fathers:

(1) Play an active role in all aspects of your daughter's life: school, hobbies, friendships, even sex education. When a father knows his daughter well as a person, he's usually less intimidated by her sexuality.

(2) Never tease your daughter about her body or sexuality. A father can tell her she looks beautiful, or talk seriously about the responsibilities of sexual behavior. But, Elium says, "It's confusing to a girl when her father whistles, winks, or makes suggestive remarks."

(3) Continue to be physically affectionate during her teen-age years. A father may want to change some of his physical expressions toward her as she matures, but he can still hug, kiss and walk with her arm-in-arm.

(4) Accept occasional sexual feelings toward your daughter as normal, Elium says. Studies show that fathers who understand that these feelings are common and acceptable are the least likely to act on them.

\ Men-tion

Gordon Clay, founder of the The Fathers' Network, leads "Father-Daughter Rite-of-Passage" workshops around the country for fathers and teen-age daughters. For more information, write to P.O. Box 800-HL, San Anselmo, Calif. 94979-0800.

\ Male call

Men and women: How do you help make your children feel comfortable about their emerging sexuality? Send responses, questions or comments to the Men's Column, in care of the features department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, Va. 24010-2491.