Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, February 23, 1994                   TAG: 9402230284
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THANK GOODNESS FOR KEVIN COSTNER

This is surprising in a country like this - now dependent on shots of sleaze.

There were reports of Ms. Harding naked to the waist at a party, and she wept nicely on television, but I wonder where the sleaze writers are. They're usually quicker than this.

I don't want to blame them without good reason, however. It may be that their computers locked up and refused to let them have what they had written on the word processor. Computers are sometimes smart that way.

When this happens, sensitive persons get into these wild fantasies about all the computers in the world locking up. This would mean every industry, every government and most homes in the country would shut down, and there would be no baby formula available.

I lost a column that way just last week. No, you prurient people, you. It wasn't about Tonya going topless.

There it was. A work of art right there on the screen. Wouldn't move an inch, though. Eventually went to computer heaven. Had to do it all over again.

Makes you wish you had brought your Monster Maul to the office with you.

The editors know that I have this fresh, bright, engaging sense of humor and am only kidding about trashing the computer. Why do I think I'm going to get frisked for a Monster Maul the next time I go to the office?

To return, somewhat reluctantly, to Tonya, we all have to face the fact that there will be a quickie TV movie about her.

This will show something of the dark side of American life - as if there wasn't enough of that going around already.

Honest. There was a guy on a talk show recently who said he was a "recovering sex addict."

This movie should be titled "The Ice Follies of 1994'' and probably ought to star Kim Basinger. I don't know whether Kim can skate or not. I don't think that would make a whole lot of difference.

Other than the dreadful possibility of Charlton Heston having a cameo role, I can't predict anything else about this flick.

I can tell you that when I find out when this movie is scheduled, I'm going to rush out and rent "Dances with Wolves" again.

I always say that ice skaters come and go, but you can always depend on Kevin Costner.