Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, April 18, 1994 TAG: 9404190033
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By LUCIA HERNDON KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
But neither seemed affected one way or another on hearing that Cobain had ended his life by shooting himself in the head. So it was easy for this mother - her brain still firmly rooted in the music of the '60s - to shake her head and wonder what all the fuss was about.
Is there a danger to teen-agers who idolized the grunge king? Has his death elevated him to martyr? Should parents be concerned if their kids seem to be ``too'' emotional about his death? Is there a possibility that teen-agers who have turned from being fans to being obsessed by his life and now his death are in danger of following his lead?
All are things that parents should consider if their teen-agers are Nirvana fans, said David Ellis, director of the adolescent program at the Institute of Pennsylvania Hospital.
``It's hard for old people (like parents) to think that a guy who lived his life the way Cobain did can have such an impact on kids,'' he said. But to some adolescents, Cobain went beyond his grunge exterior.
``He protested against current conditions; he was an idealist who didn't put on airs.'' He personified the way a lot of kids would be if they could be, Ellis said.
``Cobain said that clothes don't matter, do what feels comfortable. At the same time parents are saying you have to dress nice, first impressions are important. For kids trying to distance themselves from their parents, his appeal is understandable.''
But problems can result when such an idol is on shaky ground himself. ``Some kids will feel let down by his death,'' Ellis said. ``But other kids will make him a martyr, a man with no way out of the mess but death.''
Some kids - even those who weren't Nirvana fans per se - may listen to Cobain's music for what seems like hours at a time. They may talk about Cobain - his life, music and death - with their friends.
``I wouldn't be too concerned about that,'' Ellis said. ``No matter what parents think about him, to the kids it is a loss that must be processed with mourning and grief. They may seem to be consumed by the topic.''
The consumption should last only a few days, however, Ellis cautioned. If it persists and becomes extensive and prolonged, if the child talks about what a great hero Cobain was, parents ought to be concerned. The danger is that instead of just feeling the loss, those who really identified with Cobain could feel the need to imitate him. ``Some kids may feel, like Cobain apparently did, that a quick death is better than a miserable life, and want to join him.''
Parents need to talk to such a teen-ager, which can be hard if they don't understand or like Cobain's music.
``Parents should not ridicule the music or condemn Cobain,'' Ellis said. ``But neither should they go along with thinking he is a martyr.''
If they can do it, they should try to think of Cobain as a sensitive but troubled man whose pessimistic, but poetic view of the world was shared by a large number of teen-agers.
``The message should be that it's a shame such a troubled man couldn't find another way of solving his problems,'' Ellis said. ``Parents should point to his death as the worst way of handling anger and demoralization.''
If parents are concerned by their child's response to Cobain's death, they should seek help from the school counselor, the clergy or the family doctor. Not every kid needs to see a psychiatrist, Ellis said, although if parents are frightened by their child's reaction, they should contact mental-health professionals.
What is necessary is to validate your teen's feelings about the loss. It should be acknowledged and not treated as a non-event even if the parent doesn't understand it.
by CNB