
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 18, 1994                   TAG: 9407260041
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THIS 800 NUMBER COULD TURN INTO A REAL CON GAME

I was surprised to learn that some members of Congress are still worried about this idea Shirley Chater had sometime ago about using prison labor to answer the Social Security Administration's 800 number.

I would remind these gentlemen that Ms. Chater is Social Security commissioner, after all, and I would also wonder about their senses of humor.

I can tell them right now that there is nothing humorous or inspiring about the 800-number system as it now exists.

I think that having prisoners answer the phone would put a little extra kick into the dull lives of many of us who are waiting for the trumpet to sound.

When you're waiting for the trumpet, you can use a little different action.

Imagine your Aunt Flo calling the 800 number with a question about how much money your Uncle Albion could make without having to pay some of it back.

Such a call now is routine, and Aunt Flo would be off the phone in a minute or two.

With the new system she'd stay on the line for at least 30 minutes in animated conversation. Or just about as long as it takes when she calls her sister to discuss what dresses they're going to wear to the family reunion.

"That was just the loveliest young lady," she'd tell Uncle Albion. "Her name's Bitsy, and she's doing time on something called a bum rap, and she says the joint is not a nice place for a girl to be. Some of the prisoners are working on SHIVS - another of those government programs, I assume.

"She says she didn't know her boyfriend Al was going to take down the liquor store that night. She thought he was going into the store for a bottle of the bubbly to celebrate their wedding - which was supposed to be on the day the feds and locals busted them for armed robbery and something called taking it on the lam or interstate flight.

"She says this group of women called the Screws are not very nice, and she and some other young ladies are so stir crazy they've been thinking about going over the wall. She says the chow ain't fit for dogs.

"I felt so sorry for the poor dear that I couldn't bring myself to ask her a question."

This would brighten Aunt Flo's day, and congresspersons shouldn't deprive her of a little fun.

Knowing Aunt Flo, however, I can't be certain that she won't bake a file and some plastic explosives in one of her famous coconut cakes and send it to Bitsy.

by CNB