Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, August 22, 1994 TAG: 9408220050
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By HAP LeCRONE COX NEWS SERVICE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Or the husband will acknowledge, ``She has changed so much I don't know her anymore.''
Relationships are not static entities. They change daily and usually the changes are so gradual that the altering process does not destroy the relationship.
These changes are like ripples in the water that may be noticeable, but eventually flow into calm waters. The relationship grows and both partners accept the changes and go on with their lives.
But there are changes that cause big waves and may even rock the boat.
Research studies on marriage failure have shown that often, when one person begins to make considerably more money than the other, problems may erupt. However, when one person is making more money when the relationship begins, the problem does not occur.
Some research indicates that the problem is more pronounced if it is the wife who begins to make more money. Somehow the husband may feel he is something of a failure, or he may hold the perception learned from his parents that the husband should always be the provider.
Another change that may cause a crisis in a relationship is when one person's status greatly improves.
It can be a new career, a big promotion, an election to a high office, or it may be the completion of a higher education degree that catapults a person into colleagues and associates with whom the partner feels uncomfortable.
Still another change that does far more than ripple the waters is when a person's values change or that person accepts a different spiritual belief.
It may be that one partner becomes obsessive over a belief or cult, or it may be simply leaving one church to join another that the partner cannot agree on.
Other disrupting and crisis-making changes occur when a person changes lifestyle, begins using drugs or consumes alcohol to excess.
What are some ways to adapt to change and maintain a relationship?
Preparation for an upcoming change is the best prevention. If Tom is being considered for a vice presidency in his firm, he should talk it over with his spouse. Together they can visualize the benefits the promotion may bring, as well as the new demands it will require.
Working together and disputing old beliefs. Separate each individual's ``worth'' and value in the relationship from his or her economic contributions. Simply decide that it doesn't matter who makes the most money.
One partner may have been the main economic producer in the past, but the other can be at this time. One may assume other responsibilities that will maintain balance in the marriage.
Seek professional help when needed. Changes in lifestyles that destroy a family often require a third party to separate the facts and present available options.
The only thing that is permanent is change. For a relationship to continue, it must grow, and spouses must nurture each other.
by CNB