Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, August 28, 1994 TAG: 9408270030
SECTION: BUSINESS PAGE: F4 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CAMILLE WRIGHT MILLER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
A: Louis Perrott, a licensed clinical psychologist, finds that bosses use anger because "it works. Supervisors win through intimidation."
Perrott notes that it also does considerable damage to employees, using the "kick-the-dog syndrome to verbally abuse employees for problems involving someone else entirely."
Perrott, co-founder of both Peak Performance Consultation and the Manassas Group in Roanoke County, warns that you will make no progress if you deal with the anger while it is occurring. View the problem as a pattern of behavior and work toward resolution in stages.
When anger erupts, hear out the person fully, but terminate the situation as quickly as possible. Perrott recommends then waiting until your supervisor is calm, even if that's the next day.
When your supervisor is calm, explain that "the anger was aversive." Perrott suggests you explain "exactly how the anger affects your relationship with the boss and your ability to do your job."
Highlight the positive aspects of working together when the anger is missing.
Your boss may get angry again, Perrott cautions, because ``it's one of their coping mechanisms.'' Remain calm.
Ask your boss if there is another area proving troublesome and if that underlies the anger. Offer to help ``work this out because ... '' and then add positive points again.
Finally, Perrott counsels that you shouldn't "personalize the anger." A pattern of anger is indicative of your supervisor's poor coping skills and external problems - not of the quality of your work.
Q: I don't have access to a mentor. How do I get good career/work advice? A: Construct a personal board of directors. Identify three to five peers with good decision skills and a willingness to help others succeed. Invite them to dinner and pose a difficult work-related problem; ask for their help in creating solutions.
If the solutions are good and those assembled work well together, ask if they will serve on your newly created "Career Board." If someone won't make a good director, reorganize the group and include a new member next month.
Meet once a month to review career paths, work problems and supervisory issues. Seek agreement to be available to one another for telephone advice between meetings.
Agree that all discussions will be held in the highest confidence, a promise that cannot be violated. Be sure each member has ample
opportunity to present problems for resolution.
Finally, as you're forming your board make sure everyone has a problem-solving orientation. Directors will lose interest quickly if meetings degenerate into prolonged gripe sessions.
Q: I'm tired of listening to a co-worker's constant discussion of home-related problems. No amount of encouragement seems enough and no solutions emerge.
A: Negative people cannot be helped until they want to be - and they rarely want to be. The daily recitation of problems is your co-worker's way of getting attention. It's worked well so far.
When negativity starts, remove yourself from the area.
Invent errands, return phone calls or excuse yourself to work on a project. If you can't leave, look distracted and continue with your work. Your lack of attention is, essentially, negative reinforcement.
When discussions are pleasant, participate. Comment, at the end of the conversation, on how much you enjoyed the discussion. Your smile and attention serve as positive reinforcement.
Pleasant conversations may be hard to find at first, but should become more frequent.
If there's no change after several weeks, try another approach. State that you're concerned about the continuing problems.
Gently suggest that it might be helpful to speak with a counselor about the problems. Offer to help find one with whom your co-worker will be comfortable.
Cut short future negativity, reminding your co-worker that "that's something you should discuss with your counselor. I'm not trained to give good advice on that subject."
It's a caring statement and it rightly directs the problems to trained counselors.
As a last resort, tell your co-worker that you've offered your best advice and since it hasn't helped, you don't want to discuss the matter further.
Saying it with kindness will minimize the sting and return peace to your office.
by CNB