Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, October 5, 1994                   TAG: 9410050072
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE WALTONS COPE WITH CRIME

I hope the criminals are captured and that all of the stolen property is recovered, but the fact is that this leads me to imagine how the Waltons might have reacted to this crisis:

They haven't escaped this crime wave. Just the other day, Olivia Walton went to the wine cellar and found that a case of fine Napoleon brandy was missing.

At first, she suspected Grandpa Walton, but he has been on the wagon since the accident down at the sawmill.

As we join them, Olivia is in the kitchen - where else? - with Grandma Walton.

"I dunno, Olivia," Grandma says. "That old reprobate may have hidden the stuff in the sawdust pile until everything calms down."

"Cursed be she who speaks with an evil tongue of her mate and bringeth false claims against him," says Grandpa, coming into the kitchen obviously stone sober.

"Get out of here, you old fool," Grandma says. "Can't you see we're busy fixing the pheasant under glass for supper?"

"I just came into to tell you that somebody has heisted the new Hudson Terraplane," Grandpa says. "God knows how we're going to get along with just two Fords and a Chevy in the carpool."

"Mama, somebody stole the whole first chapter of my biographical novel," says John-Boy, bursting into the kitchen.

"At times like this, I wish I was in a nice peaceful series," says Olivia. "Maybe one about a nurse who is no better than she should be. The next thing you know they'll have knocked over Ike Godsey's store."

"They just hit Ike Godsey's place," says Pa Walton, coming lazily into the kitchen. "Were thinking about taking Ike's wife as a hostage until she came in from the back room."

"Where have you been, John?" Olivia asks, her nose now completely covered with flour. "The brandy and the Terraplane are gone, and somebody's nipped the first chapter of John-Boy's book, and you've been drinking down to the Dew Drop Inn."

"Not anymore," Pa Walton says. "Somebody lifted every case of Gunthers in the joint."

Don't worry. The Waltons will deal with this crime wave just as they cope with other problems - as a family.

They will arm themselves and share nightly watches in case somebody tries to hotwire the Fords.

This will mean they won't say goodnight as much, but a family does what it has to do.